Darlin’ Darla

Stephen King, master of the horror novel, just quit Twitter because it'd become too "dark."

That's how horrifying Twitter is right now.

There may never be a more perfect expression of this fact.

Leonardo Dicaprio is 50 years old now, and so are 3 of his girlfriends if you add their ages together

*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*

Kids got me a coffee mug that reads, “Probably One of the Top 25 Dads in the Neighborhood”

*Being murdered*

"Well at least I don't have to live through the next four years"

That I had pizza leftovers was itself a victory.

It's the least I can do, I said, not doing it.

I keep forgetting I have this app, and I'll prolly forget again.

See you when I next remember.

Remember learning about the Roman emperor who appointed his horse to be a senator or whatever? That is this.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m ’being the bigger person’.

Remember when we were all bonded by our hate for Joffrey? Those were the days.

Day 14,235 of not using trigonometry

Already posting typos. Feels like home.

Screen capture from the blues Brothers movie saying we're putting the band back together

How it feels reconnecting with Twitter mutuals

I’ve been made aware that many are abandoning Twitter and new here. Welcome and here’s to nothing but blue skies for us all💙

You too?

I don’t need your gift card sale or 20% off my purchase. I got an unpaid day off work, I need extra lives on my phone games.

I got my first tattoos!

#firsttattoo #handtatts #dontworrybehappy

I’m so honored

I think everyone is in that same boat.

I’m not above dating someone for their package. Their NFL Sunday Ticket package.

I was self-employed for over 20 years, I have a boss now. At least he tries.

I haven't changed. It's the squirrels that have changed.

Live, laugh, leave them emotionally devastated.

It’s beginning to look a lot like my soulmate is me.

Remember, you can do anything you put your mind to as long as it’s not too difficult, expensive, time consuming, or forces you to move.

I have a coworker that I share a workspace with and we’ve recently had mice around, so I store my Special K cereal in the microwave. This coworker proceeds to argue with me that mice can get in microwaves, closed microwaves. So yeah, what stupid argument have you been right about this week?

Dating is weird, like, I fr don’t know if I have a boyfriend or not.

Welcome to McTherapy®️. May I take your disorder?