yeah ok

A Viking funeral, but you deep fry me in batter, then finish me with powdered sugar and strawberries and serve me up like a funnel cake.

I don’t think people ask why are you being such a little bitch nearly enough

When I interact with people I understand Gautam Buddha more.

Kentucky Jelly is excellent lube.

Fossils are the real classic rock

It's not the fact that it's only tuesday that's so upsetting.It's the fact that I have to work every tuesday for the rest of my life.

It's morning. It's headache. It's another great day to be alive. Ow.

Bleaching my anus so that I’ll fit in at the next potluck.

i’ve been avoiding politics a bit lately, it’s so fucking stressful. it destroys your mental health.

*snaps the waistband on your underpants*

Melons are the lettuce of fruit salad.

I believe you because you’re a potato and potatoes have done me no wrong.

I’m my best self when I imagine

*sitting on his face*

Do you want a Happy Meal?

He looks so happy.

this shit is just me versus me, that's always been the title fight

I need to invent one of these that can fit two fortys

Wow, this middle circle celebration took a dark turn yikes

Thinking about installing an above ground basement.

Sometimes I feel like a trailer park in tornado alley.

Nature never cared about my safety, sadly.

Whiskey dick is nature’s fail safe.

Jack Daniels blamed his lack of motor skills on whiskey, but he was just really clumsy.

*pours out a forty*

*than a 3:00

Stupid whiskey fingers.

I’m still a middle ringer, but more a 2:00 and a 3:00.

I can live with this.

Just dropping truths, don’t mind me

So he says vampires are sexy but then cries after he kisses me because I taste like blood.

My dentist: *cranks up the nitrous until I pass out*

Can everyone please delete Libby so I can get a book in less than “several months”