yeah ok

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but eat an orange also because scurvy is nothing to joke about.

Coffee and sex on Sunday because like Jesus said: ground and pound, or something like that.

I’m very classy. One of society’s elite, to be sure.

Suckling at the teat of ennui.

Woo me, you bitch

As two things we rely on for our immediate survival, it’s shocking how horrible humans treat air and water.

Gonna go scream in the woods for a bit, anyone wanna come with?

Netflix and snack under the full moon

final stage of acceptance that I will never spell sillouette correct on the first attempt

I love witches and vampires but only the sexy ones

pumpkin spice hemorrhoid cream

Someone go check the shortbread. I’m drunk.

Trump’s biggest accomplishment is making George W Bush look good in comparison

Taxes are over-complicated and scary but at least if you screw up, you only go to jail

It’s always ok to not post a selfie

My friend got a colectomy and I’m proud to say I was kind enough to wait a whole 24 hours before I started calling him “semicolon”

If I got that golden ticket I'd take that glass elevator straight into the sun.

Skip to the good parts.

Labubu is a decent name for a girl fart

my nephew calls any noodle-based dish that's in soup/broth "juicy noodles" and you know what he's right

I got filter straws for the apocalypse so who wants to come over and drink the creek water behind my house with me to see if they work

It's not even worth the esoteric anymore when anyone can just shed atoms of the arcane and wave an app for layperson's terms that says tome means book and it (book) means shit gets into you

I collect and display tongue depressors like souvenir travel spoons.

I'm the kind of calm under pressure that makes heart doctors and vulcanologists nervous

nurses always look so surprised when you yell “catch!” and throw your urine sample at them

Have you tried visiting Scotland about it?

I made you these sneakers using three types of fruit leather, please respond.

how come when i move to a new town in a video game the mayor personally welcomes me but when i move to a new town irl no one welcomes me AT ALL

Gone In 16 Candles