Comedy Accelerator

Caribou can read marmot’s minds. We don’t know why, but isn’t nature amazing?

Godspeed? The universe has been here for 14 billion years. The last thing you want to wish people is Godspeed.

I don’t sing the National Anthem, I mime it. Patriot!

I miss drunk Pat Summerall calling the Tgiv games. “Man, the Lions suck -- again! Hey, Madden, get that turkey leg out of your face and do some work. Damn, my liver hurts.”

Conservative grandfather napping, worn out from loudly disowning all the libtards in his family around the Thanksgiving table.

Weed cornbread. The true secret to a mellow Thanksgiving.

SWAT team called to suburban neighborhood, where heavily armed turkey is holed up in family's home, screaming that they were about to eat his soul mate.

“12 Angry Men” seems like a low estimate.

I do far away magic. Like, way, way over there I’m making a rabbit disappear. Or appear. Or it may be a marmot. Hard to tell from here.

I carry pepper spray in case someone wants to involve me in small talk.

The Inuits have 100 words for snow. And over 7,000 words for cold nipples.

I'm directly descended from the guy who invented 23 and Me.

"Cats in the Cradle" is a melancholy folk song about two douchebags.

There's no way the original songwriter of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" thought it was going to be a massive hit.