smugdingus

It goes without saying but the Twins should be relegated to whatever hack dick league the Savannah Bananas play in for these city connect uniforms.

The season’s officially been “over” for me on about 5 different occasions since May but this series is gonna be the grand finale coffin nail.

Put Lugo on the shelf for the rest of the season before this old motherfucker blows his arm out and that contract extension loses a full year and a half of value to Tommy John surgery.

I know what happened. Lugo saw the Twins roster full of minor leaguers and assumed this was a rehab start. Just tryin some stuff out. See how it feels.

Gonna have to just drink myself through this game. Shouldn’t be a problem.

Listening to someone read a book to you doesn’t mean you “read a book.” That summer reading list you’ve been working on since May is still 0% complete because you haven’t actually read a single word.

That being said, I enjoy summertime. But not as a season to experience physically. More as an idea. A social construct. I celebrate it in a philosophical sense. Freedom. Bright skies. Pools. Body odor. Honestly the only way to experience June-August in this middle map hellhole is idealistically.

When I first got diagnosed, everybody living with #MS talked about how much hot weather negatively affected them. I was like “yeah but I’ve lived here my whole life so I’m used to it, like it can’t be as bad as you say,” but now I’m in year 5 of this bullshit and holy fuck. Eat a dick, summer.

More like Wackasshatchee for me #shitswacktho

Think I’m gonna grow my fingernails out. Like OUT. See what happens. Stay tuned.

Probably depends on who or what you’re prayin to but I’m definitely overly passionate about her demise. It just is. It’s not something I like about myself tbh

Where is this wonder happening in KC?

I’m sorry but you put a goddamn pair of shoes on when you’re whippin up a carrot cake soufflé tart in MY KITCHEN lady. Get less gross.

Feels dumb that we haven’t invented musical tattoos yet. Like you tap it and it starts playing a song or sound out of your body. That’s the kinda shit that lets me know humans aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. Not until that tech exists. Evolution wont allow us to go extinct before that

Been having a gut feeling that there’s gonna be another random celebrity death coming. Extremely concerned about that manatee from Blues Traveler right now

Yes. Skeletor (when I was 6) and believe it or not, the Barefoot Contessa (37)

Advice so wise it’s bordering on sage baby. It’s sage-adjacent advice.🫃

A word to the wise:

Help

a woman is making a face and saying `` it 's so hot . '' ALT: a woman is making a face and saying `` it 's so hot . ''

Love getting back to temperatures that make me wanna fucking die as soon as I walk outside.

🥺

TOMORROW: Launching a kickstarter campaign for my ASMR fart app.🤞🫩

COMMIE MOMMY COP!!!! #HEYHEYHEYHEY

Isaiah Campbell is the second player in MLB history to be born in Portugal. The first? Frank Thompson in 1875 with the Washington Nationals. Frank was 21 at the time, only played the one season and and hit .098 in 41 at bats. #trivianight

Tolbert just stole two bases faster than I can complete a piss.

Sometimes when Tolbert steals second it looks like he invented stealing second.

QUATRARO: Hey you’re gonna bat 7th.

INDIA: Shoulda done it in May but thanks for the wasted opportunity all the same, skip.

👀

Man I really love a 3-6-3

What the fuck is India doing not tagging?? This guy’s gotta get the fuck outta here.

Lol I hate this team