Harvey 하늘

Went to the GP for Autism diagnosis. It went about as well as you can expect doctor visits to go these days.

(Day119, log143)

Although, always be safe. Internet rules and all that good stuff.

Might be a long shot, however I might be able to make a semi-connection to the art industry through some friends online.

(Day119, log142)

The clinic in which I've spent £1750 with is not answering me. The NHS e-consult has to be done at 08:00AM and I can barely wake up before 12.

I am so tired of trying to be positive when I am constantly facing problem after problem.

(Day118, log141)

Dropping out of college wasn't the greatest idea in terms of making new friends and socialising, however getting to draw monkey's operating tanks and mech robots during my work hours is quite fun.

(Day116, log140)

Despite not meeting my wake up goal today and feeling like crap I still managed to get through and do a few things. Even when my father said to me to 'write today off' and try again tomorrow.

And I still have time and energy to do a few more. Hooray :)

(Day116, log139)

I woke up at 15:50. Have my alarm set for 11 and slept in. Trying really hard not to beat myself up, but I feel like crap.

(Day116, log138)

Watched Bakshi's Lord of the Rings film with my father as part of him giving me 'movie education'.

It was such a fun movie, but if I didn't already know the plot I would have been lost to quickly. Two books in one movie means every line counts, and I was not paying attention.

(Day115, log137)

I think one of my biggest issues used to be I tried to fix myself by stopping any and all 'bad' emotions. But since there were few happy ones, it ended up making me empty and numb.

Now, I am re-learning how to be sad and, in the process, I actually feel a lot happier.

(Day115, log136)

Silly achievements of the day:
. Ran out if toothpaste, so I bought toothpaste
. Everyone woke me up early because of the snow
. Went out for a costa brunch with my dad
. Allowed myself to play games for an hour because I did lots of stuff and deserved it :D

(Day115, log135)

My character Zefie from final Solstice. A dark elf teen and a side character I drew for practise. I signed my art name in elvish to be fancy.

Zombie poses doodles. References from Roman Semenenko and Shutterstock.

Roxie Roller fanart from beach Buggy Racing. I did two other characters but they turned out more funky looking than her.

More Zefie. The right eye is too far to the right. And I spent half of the penguins of Madagascar Movie trying to draw her mouth.

Despite having zero inspiration and some of the worst art block, I have still done more art today than I have for the past month.

(Day115, log134)

To try stop the cycle of nothingness, I am going to attempt a new routine. I never stick with them so i'm going to make one with the idea in mind that I'm not, then when I start to feel bored of it, make a shiny new one and hope I can keep doing that until I find a solution.

(Day114, log133)

I did nothing today. Feel like it's been months since I've done anything. I am trying so hard to just exist, don't even ask about normal adulting stuff I'm expected to do now.

(Day114, log132)

It is really hard to either: beat myself to a pulp for not being able to do the simplest of things, or use it as a excuse to not do anything at all.

I can't tell when I should push myself and when I need to take a break, and I always seem to get it wrong.

I diagnosis is fairly easy to get if you go privately, but we are not well off money-wise and a diagnosis sadly won't change anything.

I am struggling to function as a normal guy and there isn't much more therapy (or anything along those lines) can fix.

I have to try really hard to not beat myself up over not doing as much as I want.

I'm not in college nor do I have a 'real job'. I feel useless for barely being able to take care of myself. The process for getting medicine is not getting any quicker and it's frustrating.

(Day113, log131)

Picture of a lobster robot, with a mechanic claw for one arm and a drill for burrowing on the other. Originally it was a machine gun but I changed it to fit the lobster theme better. It's got the 8 legs for scuttling normally on the ground and a razor sharp tail. Also I gave it teeth to frame the port hole in the front because it looks funny. It's steam powered so a little steam vent at the top, made to look like a mini lobster, and space inside for, you guessed it, a monkey. Because why not?

Here is a doodle I've done after trying to get myself to draw something since the start if November.

Lobster Mech, hell yeah! 🦞

(Day112, log130)

Spilled Ink A Youtube traditional art channel featuring Daidus & Emily! Our motto is 'Art is FUN'!! Business Email: partnerships@geexplus.co.jp

Been getting my "art mojo" back by watching Emirichu and Daidus with their new (ish) channel Spilled Ink.

It is really inspiring and helped me get started on some sketches for a project I am helping with.

(Day112, log129)

So if I do eat before 12AM (which is around the time I usually wake up) my brain freaks out. It goes away after a few hours but this worries me. I prefer sleeping later, waking later but I've been told a lot it is bad for my health and this could be evidence for that.

Found this out a few days ago.

I struggle to sleep, so I wake up quite late. On the occasion that I've got up at a normal time, i eat breakfast (for a change) and get the worse stomach aches. I assume it is because my brain is used to being asleep and not using any of the digestive system.

Now my stomach aches and I feel sick everytime I eat before 12:00AM.

(Day111, log128)

I did a few things today but overall not productive.
Spent the entire day trying to do one task and I couldn't do it. Again.

As much as I try to be positive, I am just so damn sick of this.

(Day111, log127)

Picture of a 2 by 2 storage unit in my room. Helluva boss posters above (both from redbubble. I don'tremember the larger ones artist, but the Loona one is drawn by Kookiez), ikea lamp with star holes filled with bullets i got from a museum when i was 8, magnetic dice and a glow in the dark cat with a sunset shimmer figure behind my plants Sid (the fern) and Buster (the VERY leafy), ontop of the tallest stack of comic boxes (containing my newer batman ones and the other a misc for all of my fathers old comics). Ontop of my powerman and iron fist comic box (the more than half of originals from the 80s, i'm finishing my dad's collection) i have Tico the Toucan, a bootleg rubix cube, atlas of tolkien, and volume 1 of Ping Pong by Taiyo Mastumoto. Infront of the boxes to the left you have Ingvar the chinese evergreen and a Poison Ivy figure i painted a few years back. Then to the right you have Yojan my big boy monstera, lego versions of my two cats, a tiny paper crane i folded from a starburst wrapper and my lumie clock i never use. Never would i have been able to show half of that stuff in my room for fear of someone making fun of me, yet now i'm posting it in detail on the internet for anyone to see. Never let people make you hide what you truely like from yourself, life gets well boring pretending to be like everyone else.

Moving onto the wall above my bed. It is unfinished since I ran out of bluetack. (Also tip for putting up posters with bluetack, put squares of duck tape on the back 4 corners and put the bluetack onto that, using a ruler to squish it to the wall. It means the blue tack doesn't stain the poster and it is as flat as possible without any finger marks on it) Going from left to right, blue Stray Kids poster from the RockStar album, moving spider man picture from a birthday card, a glow in the dark cat, £3 Shang-Chi figures from Game that I added a few comic effects to (I got them on sale purely because they did Simu Liu dirty), frames of cartoon versions of my cats I got from an artist I don't know since they were a gift, My Little Pony poster 4/4 from a mini comic series that I was sent fby my aunty from America when I was 9, 3 Rebecca Parham limited prints that ran with a offer to get an original sketch (sadly I didn't get it but I will own an original piece from her one day) Agust D poster from his album D-Day, Incredibles Poster from the Dinosaur museum in Madrid (published by Pyramid International), boxing poster from Neo magazine (Asao Takamori and Tetsuya Chiba), poison ivy and dc main 3 posters from an artist in the UK I got when I was 10 (it was so long ago I don't know who), Dragon Lance advertising poster for volume one from my dad who got it from a comic shop in the 80s, another Neo magazine poster that looks amazing by no artist name, the other side of the photo book from D-Day album, Helluva boss poster signed by PhaseChan on Etsy and finally another Neo magazine poster with no sign, only the words Agharta. I still have a few more to put up tomorrow and lots more space that I can fill. Not caring about friends or family opinions about my room was hard to do, but once I grasped it I am having so much more fun. I've stopped worrying about being to 'childish' or nerdy or hiding anything that is removing feminine and I feel way better because of it.

For most of my life my room has always been a source of stress.

But no longer! For I have finally conquered my fears and have put all my nerdy things on display and then on the Internet. Problem solved :)

(Day110, log126)

You could probably spend a few hours picking apart each little thing here. Don't question a few of these haha

A picture of my wall, absolutely platered with references, doodles, mini posters and so much other stuff that makes me happy.

This is my wall, now plastered with cards, mini posters and various trinkets.

I am not afraid to display the things I like anymore. My room is finally feeling like my own space after so many years.

(Day110, log125)

I am happy with my life right now.

(Day109, log124)

I have no idea what I'm doing in life. I am a college drop out doing nothing.

I want to work in the film industry but as what I don't know. I'll take anything at this point, I just want to be able to help create something even half as amazing as The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

(Day99, log123)

I am often saddened that i may never live in such beautiful lands and have a beautiful life.

So I think, atleast I can live to create them for others instead.

(Day99, log122)

Finished The Hobbit Trilogy.

The most beautiful films I have ever seen in my entire life.

(Day98, log121)

Been enjoying Subway Surfers City recently. I love the graphic, gameplay and trials.

However, it often lags, meaning I get caught. Also the way to get characters is really difficult, I just want my favourite girl Yutani.

And don't get me started on Guard's design.

(Day96, log120)