Keira McGill

I don’t want to have kids for many reason but a surprisingly weighty one is I don’t want anyone disrupting my puzzle time

Wish men would start dressing like men again 😤

Are anyone else’s hands absolutely sopping with spit when they use an electric toothbrush or is there something physiologically wrong with my mouth?

I’ve noticed straight men have started to refer to themselves as twinks. I’m sorry but if you’re a straight man you’re not a twink, you’re the ghost of a Victorian child

Micro-dosing archeology by searching for the little cookie dough bits in my ice cream

I’m tired of jokes about young people asking people in their 30s how their back is. You should also ask about our knees. And they hurt :(

For every like I will give Betty one pat on the head

whats the german word for anxiety that you don’t have anything interesting to say in therapy and fear you’re going to be the most boring session of the day?

David Attenborough is just Perez Hilton for the animal kingdom

starting every idea pitch with "ok just gotta say this one out loud to get it out of the way" knowing it's my best

I’m sorry but loving a country so much that you sing about it is pretty gay for people who are likely homophobic

I took an advanced anal class in the same way I took a WWII history class. Im not trying to participate, I’m just fascinated by the events

“There he is in the flesh” yeah, I hope so…

Honestly really kind of the instagram porn bots to like my stories

Hey, did we ever find out who let the dogs out??

The reviews on my new haircut are in! Critics are raving “oh you got your hair cut” and can’t stop talking about how “it’s definitely shorter”

I need cars to have universal door handles again. My social anxiety can’t handle having to solve a puzzle every time I get in and out of an Uber.

Have y’all ever been in a k-hole (You eat a bowl of Rice Krispies as a midnight snack and it briefly fills the void)??

I want someone to treat me like a dog 😏*

*scratch my back, let me take naps whenever I want

It’s crazy how I’m built just like my dog: small butt, buff legs, 12 nipples

Ask not what you would have to explain to a Victorian child but what a Victorian child would have to explain to you

I think the only thing that feels more vulnerable than sex is attempting to do an accent

*looking at myself in the mirror, crying* who's this diva?

Here me out: a Legally Blonde movie from Brooke Windham’s perspective called “Illegally Blonde”

I know the perfect pair of shoes that are equal in comfort and style won’t fix my life HOWEVER

I would love to do a roast battle (we each make a roast dinner and then eat them and have a nice time)