e.g. Alan Lastname

please leave me alone I'm having a realistic depiction of a panic attack right now

Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription

alexander graham bell slipping a piece of paper with the number 1 written on it to a babe at the bar

the joys of shitting on company time are boundless

currently dining on canned rat

...I must speak with him.

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

happy sunday liza why is fry staring at me like that

took a day off and immediately got mildly sick 😎

emoji man pointing laughing saying "you are too invested in how u are perceived that u cannot fully enjoy living!" if ur reading this hello

literally any time I feel embarrassed I just pull up this image and I'm fixed

woah... huge

my favorite red hot chili peppers lyric is “do a little dance and then i drink a little water”. because that’s just good advice

Kendrick dropped the second I left the fucking house are you kidding

Math problem. I have three apples and am traveling towards you at 17mph. It's not really a problem, more of a warning. Apple time, bitches.

bread time let's have a bread

mainlining anxiety medication this morning (listening to clairo on repeat)

Imagine being in medieval times, about to go into battle, when you realize you forgot your headphones

What if I quit my job to focus on soup. Just making soup and eating it

so I've been trying to "read between the lines" and this book I bought really isn't making any sense. it's all just blank? anybody got any tips? 📔 #book

ok this app seems like a pretty good replacement for Twitter but I’m confused because I haven’t seen 40 unsolicited elon tweets in a row yet, is my feed broken?

hope ur ok :(

have you tried sleep and/or drugs

me: i worry the internet has made each of us feel like a pundit, like we must triangulate opinions to match some imagined consensus rather than behaving as one singular constituent, speaking and voting based on our own beliefs and counting on others to do the same

my son, holding an apple: bapple

top 10 simpsons moments

10. homer in space
9. bart prank calls moe
8. grandpa simpson falls asleep
7. bart and lisa
6. steamed food
5. cashier scans maggie at register
4. skateboarding bart
3. the simpsons on dvd
2. homer has a TRULY memorable moment
1. mr. burn

spaceship

aw :( skeet skeet motherfucker. aw skeet skeet goddamn

phenomenal

excuse me it was clearly generational and you said so yourself

get better stupid

one of the minds of a generation