Andreya

so crazy to just be living every day through the slow motion car crash of escalating fascism and it’s still like. aw man i have to go to the dentist

Fascism, but with whining and adult diapers.

Me: Alexa, remind me to go to the gym.

Alexa: I have added gin to your shopping list.

*riddled with mullets*

The term “reach out,” makes me mad, so I don’t do it. 😂

We are the product that created itself, and these idiots are going to fumble it.

What’s wrong with people who actually reach out after you said “feel free to reach out if you need anything”?

If you flip my couch cushions you won’t find spare change, just an alarming number of Cadbury micro mini eggs.

Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 55 year old men shouldn’t run for trains.

Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.

someone who succumbs to tuberculosis and starvation has died both from consumption and lack thereof

I smell...interesting, he thought, picking himself up after a spectacular tumble down the basement stairs. I should eat fried chicken more often.

Coworker: is this AI? *shows me a video of MLK issuing the Stone Cold Stunner to The Undertaker before flicking him off*

Me: no, that happened

Gonna start working out today, so I’ll do a push-up, and then a sit-up if I’m not too winded. Maybe.

Brain damage is probably my most endearing quality.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Hell yes! I love my sweats! 👊🏻

That’s amazing. Good job. :)

I’m already there, my friend. 😂

i can barely keep up with the verbiage of the shit i'm passionate about, it's a bandwidth issue really

I have a long list of things I don’t do that I tell people are the things I like to do when people feel compelled to ask.

Hi. It is I, the physical embodiment of misery.

It’s actually pretty bad for your mental health to know stuff

Once you’re over 40, getting 10,000 steps a day is meaningless. You just get to stay fat.

My therapist keeps telling me I need to break out of this state of psychosis and I keep telling him I don’t live in New Jersey

I may not be likable but I’m also not wealthy too.

Dental X-rays? You mean tooth pics?

I am canceling tonight's antifa pot luck due to the tumor I got from taking the measles vaccine. I appreciate privacy during this difficult time and whatnot.

Roos running

i quit pumpkin spice i'm on the patch

“Some people can reply” is my kryptonite.