Candy Elliott

Happy Valentine’s Day! 🩷

Valentine’s Day idea: walk up to random couples at restaurants, say “Congratulations! Did you pick a date yet?” and walk away.

So unexpected 😂❤️

Great news! Valentine’s Day falls on a weekend, which really widens the window for disappointment.

Cartoons led me to believe rakes would be a much bigger problem.

I smacked my husband’s butt when I walked by and apparently that’s “not ideal” when he’s holding a glass of red wine.

Ran into my drug dealer today.
She was aggressively polite and wearing a sash.

My husband thinks I’m trying to seduce him by doing a sexy dance in the hallway, but I’m really just using a tennis ball to work a knot out of my shoulder.

Bad Bunny was sooooo good!
🇵🇷🔥🇺🇸

Happy Bad Bunny Day!

Today’s schedule:

• Snacks and cocktails while waiting for Bad Bunny

• Bad Bunny halftime show

• Post-Bad Bunny emotional eating and drinking

• Laughing at Kid Rock videos

Doctor: Rest your foot for a couple days.

Me to my husband: Honey, the doctor says you’re doing everything for the foreseeable future.

😂😂😂

I waved at the baby in the seat in front of me on the plane and accidentally locked myself into a waving competition I refuse to lose.

That too. 😂

I am significantly more pleasant when chips and salsa are present.

Me trying to post a joke that offends absolutely no one.

BREAKING: The Worst People You Know Are Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much, Much Worse Than You Know

BREAKING: Viewers of “Melania” Documentary Receive Call Telling Them They Will Die in 7 Days

Some people hear a joke and immediately take the fun out of it by correcting it or turning it into a teachable moment no one asked for.

It’s my husband’s first time getting Novocain, so I’m going to tell him that drinking a glass of water makes it wear off faster.

A small plane is tangled upside-down in power lines.

“NOT ONE WORD, KATHLEEN.”

"FREE SNOW" printed in dark capital letters on a snowbank.

snow is innocent

I’d be less angry to find out my husband had a secret family than to find out he got an apple fritter and didn’t bring me one.

Just passed somebody’s house that still has their Christmas tree up. Honestly, I respect the commitment.

They’re looking at the same video we are and telling us he did something he didn’t do. That’s gaslighting. They want us to stop believing our own eyes.

Your Dog May Be Similar To An 18-Month-Old Child In 1 Fascinating Way To what extent are dogs really paying attention to our conversations? Quite a bit, actually.

Some dog news, as a treat 🦴🦴: Your dog may be gifted. New research suggests that some dogs have the neurological capacity to eavesdrop and learn new words when they hear humans talking about something that interests them, much like a toddler would.

Researchers call the dogs Gifted Word Learner dogs

I’m not overthinking. I’m conducting a thorough background check on every possible outcome.

Husband: Why are you cleaning the entire house?

Me: The landlord’s coming to check the smoke detectors tomorrow.

Husband: Naturally.

Me: When I was sick, my husband slept on the couch and the dog took his spot. Now I have to tell him it's permanent.

Friend: I'm sure the dog will be okay.

Me: The dog? No. I meant my husband.