Nick

Every store is sold out of sleds, so I’m going to see if our molded rubber car floor mats will work. We also have sumo inflatable hamster ball things. What could go wrong?

Dental school, Day 1:

Teacher: repeat after me…you may feel a slight pinch

Students: you may feel a slight pinch

Teacher: Congratulations, you are now dentists, please take a complimentary set of torture implements when you pick up your diploma

Ralphie’s dream about what Miss Shields would give him as a grade for his theme about the Red Rider BB gun in “A Christmas Story,” and NOT Trump’s economy.

When Frederic Austin wrote the 12 days of Christmas, he originally had 12 dolls for the last day but ultimately decided late 19th century kids could get along just fine with 2 dolls.

I think I know what my 4yo is getting me for Christmas!

It’s sick. She’s getting me sick.

I would say my holiday cheer is hovering somewhere between 'about to steal the joy from Whoville' and 'about to be visited by three Muppet ghosts'

My youngest daughter claims that the “good thing about having a sibling is always having someone to finish the lyrics,” which is sweet, but apparently accuracy is optional and volume is not.

Anything I buy from now until Christmas is considered a gift.

Dentist: have you been clenching your jaw lately?

Me: have you been reading the news lately?

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask

Asked my daughter how her 8th grade year is going so far and she just said, “I think teachers get more headaches than other people.”

Heavy is the hand that adds the garlic

Menu plan for the week after Thanksgiving:

Breakfast - leftover turkey
Lunch - leftover turkey
Dinner - leftover turkey

It’s time to put up the Christmas tree with my kids. I’m going to take some meds, get a coffee, and be ready to watch it burn - A thread

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

My husband: I’m gonna sleep like a baby!

My kid: I don’t understand, he’s gonna cry while he’s sleeping?

Daughter asked how she did in her middle school swim meet and I told her she did great but looked a little tired in her last event when she stopped me and said, “Yeah, but did I look good? It was picture day.” Guess we can cancel that booking for the 2032 Olympics.

You can’t scare me, I’ve gone grocery shopping the day before Thanksgiving…in New Jersey

I told my kid if she won’t eat what I pack for lunch, she has to pack it herself. She walks to the cupboard, takes out the same package of snacks she’s been rejecting for months, and puts it in her lunchbox. When I asked why she’d eat it this time, she looked at me like I was the crazy one. I quit

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

My 13 y/o daughter says she doesn’t think greed should be a sin because “sometimes people want an oven and a toaster oven without being judged and that’s okay.”

I just want to be rich enough to have a walk-in cheese fridge

Feeling sad cause I wasn't invited to a social event that I wouldn't have attended in the first place

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t.

My clothes dryer timer is the reason I have trust issues

My toddler has been crying for 10 minutes because my husband told her that one day she’ll be grown up, and frankly I get it

Yep, leave it to kids!

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park