I think my cat thinks that the food in his bowl is all the food in the world, and if he eats at all, there won't be any more. He rarely eats all the food. He always leaves some in the bowl, and won't eat more until I put more in. Or pour it out on a table and call it "treats".

Youtube: Stop trying to make me watch minute long ads for a mental disorder I do not have.

Dear Ghost Hunters: Don't go out looking for ghosts, then run away when you find some. If you're afraid of some doors opening, you're in the wrong business. Maybe take up needlepoint instead.

Maybe we need to stop letting the President choose his own Cabinet. Maybe that should be ENTIRELY up to Congress. Or, wacky idea, the voters.

You forgot #6. Overworking and underpaying employees.

Is it so wrong that I, an adult, would like my Alexa to speak like an adult? That means swearing sometimes. Why isn't there a setting for that?

I feel very strongly that naming your kid after yourself is narcissistic, lazy and rude. Put in some fucking effort and give your kid their own identity.

Getting Allo installed today. Appt was for 12-2. They showed up at 11:49. Eat that other internet/cable providers.

Trump is an awful human being, but with all the terrible things he's done, the one thing he hasn't done (yet) is fight for the right to arrest homeless people for being homeless. Y'know who did? Gavin fucking Newsom.

This is why you should've been our Democratic Leader.

I would pay money to see someone try to literally pull themselves by their boot straps. It's physically impossible. It's against physics.

Dear Rest of the World: Americans are not "obsessed" with ice. We like our cold drinks cold. Room temperature water is gross. Room temperature soda is awful. And room temperature beer is a crime against humanity. Ice makes these things good again. What's hard to understand about that?

Hold on. If Grandpa Munster was Lily's dad, shouldn't his name be anything but Munster?

I'll tell you this much. If I ever run for office and they "leak" that I said Republicans are a bunch of fuckers, I will not retract it. I will say that I said it because Republicans are, indeed, a bunch of fuckers.

Trump will either be dead or a puddle of goo in 2028. I'm not worried about a 3rd Unconstitutional term.

The White House was originally in Pennsylvania.

I will vote for the guy not named Gavin Newsom.

So... in Pennsylvania, then?

What about the blue lines under your skin?

We need to renormalize calling stupid people "stupid". And I mean, as in their chosen inability to grasp a concept because of anti-intellectualism.

Cat thinks he can help himself to treats by knocking the container onto the floor. Too bad for him it's a screw top and he doesn't have thumbs.

I've been saying that for years.

It's funny that even in countries where they actually have kings, they're having a No Kings rally.

Well, something trickled down, but not anything anybody wanted.

Vampires also look human.

Just found out I'm severely allergic to weed, and I am right pissed off about it. A tiny hit yesterday afternoon, left me crying on floor for the better part of today. #fuckmylife

Well, you could stick some antlers on the T-Rex costume.

Received my Special Election ballot today. Both the inner envelope and the outer envelope that I send my ballot back in were already sealed. Could not open without destroying the envelope. So fuck it. I'm not voting. Let 'em build their stupid jail.

I have successfully snuck up on my cat. My life is complete.

That's the right answer. Second only to, "I was wondering when you were gonna tell us."