Ben Rosen

*sarah connor narration* cyber monday

118 minute movie: quick, easy, maybe i will watch a second movie after

135 minute movie: when will i EVER in my LIFE have the time

editor: you said you wanted to pitch a fun new comic strip character? charles schultz: his name is charlie brown and he is a child with generalized anxiety order. hes depressed as shit and he sucks at sports editor: schultz: also he is bald

FROM: reporter@nytimes.com
TO: epstein@pedophile.com
SUBJECT: re: can you print these pictures of donald trump with underage women

hello jeffrey my friend. no for some reason

tim kaine

will ferrell as harry caray

sir put on the glasses i just want to see something real quick

you can see why fascism is so popular when the other option is The Loser Party That Loves Losing

how beautiful that my faraway love and i are both looking up at the same pepsi logo

i'm in separate negotiations with jackee harry so i will have to get back to you

i forgot you're the executor of his estate, i should have reached out privately and for that i apologize

Rodney Dangerfield

i had a sandwich thrown at me but the jury said it wasn't deadly. i should have told them my wife made it!

it absolutely is

cuomo should have thrown in the towel a long time ago, like after pinkerton

legally mamdani now gets to take sliwa’s hat

sure cuomo lost but at least he was able to tell everyone that he is racist

🚨I’VE SEEN ENOUGH:

Eddie Murphy isn’t simply portraying the titular Nutty Professor, but many of the Klumps as well

Bernie Sanders

the millionaires and billionaires give us tiny candy bars and tell us they’re fun! meanwhile they’re dining on bars sized for kings!

*guy in the spin doctors rubbing his temples* now the song makes no sense...

if you want to start a headline “Boy Meets World star William Daniels, 98” you should actually start it “HE’S ALIVE AND ALSO Boy Meets World st

drake turning off the game as it gets to 18

Rodney Dangerfield

I go to my wife, I say “what do you think about this ballroom” she says “they don’t take up too much room but they smell terrible”

social media manager: so the video is called "springsteen: deliver me from erowhon" and basically you drive around bringing smoothies to ubereats customers to promote the movie

springsteen: i wrote jungleland

sonic youth? do you mean tails?

reporter: i see you’ve covered up a tattoo. what did that used to be?

me, remembering my imagine dragons tattoo: uhhh nazi stuff

candidate: good news, i covered up my swastika tattoo by turning it into four small boxes

campaign manager: and what did you put in the boxes

candidate:

campaign manager:

candidate:

campaign manager:

candidate:

campaign manager: was it four-

candidate: it was four hitlers

I hear there are many young men going through a phase right now that would be very interested

*after people discover my hidden “I love racism” tattoo* ok so i guess now it’s illegal to support a local business?

republicans: it’s inappropriate to call your political opponents nazis

republicans in group chats: hey guys jim “the nazi” hitler here and yes i do have the mustache

one side wants no kings, the other side wants kings. can’t we just find a common sense bipartisan solution like one king

statler: i heard she wrote “wood” about his penis

waldorf: yeah and “cancelled!” about his playoff plans ha ha ha ha

maybe she would respect me