Reminder that your trauma recovery tools & needs don't need to make sense to anyone else. They don't have to live your life or manage your wounds. You do.
Create routines & cultivate tools that keep YOU stable, whether or not anyone else in the world "gets it."
The trauma recovery tools of containment & distraction aren't about denying or running away from our pain. The exact opposite, actually-- they're tools to lower the temperature & keep ourselves grounded so we can actually process & manage our pain.
Survivors of emotional abuse-- "head games" in our closest relationships-- can struggle to pick our battles when it comes to explaining, clarifying, or justifying ourselves.
Yes, we hate feeing misunderstood or misrepresented-- but sometimes we just have to drop the rope.
You deserve the opportunity to create & experience the kind of relationships, romantic, professional, & otherwise, that you actually want.
You shouldn't have to settle because you happen to have a complicated or painful history.
Your trauma recovery does not exist in some hypothetical future where you feel more "ready" than you do right now. It exists, here, now, w/ every micro choice you make about how to talk to yourself, what to focus on, & how to breathe & use your body.
Here, now, this minute.
One thing I personally f*cking hate is feeling dependent upon others to define & maintain my self-image & self-esteem. For my money a top trauma recovery priority & goal is the creation & maintenance of a stable, bulletproof self-concept, no matter WHO happens to be around.
Some people are just not going to want to hear our story or hear about our pain-- maybe because they don't care, or maybe because it triggers unhealed spots in them. Either way, it's okay. Their reaction may not feel great-- but it does not define the validity of our experiences.
The fact that you really, really, really believe you were to blame for your abuse, or that it makes you "dirty" or "gross," doesn't mean ANY of that is true. It means you were heavily CONDITIONED to believe it-- & that conditioning was reinforced w/ shame, over & over again.
You don't have to approve of what you just did or like what you're feeling in order to extend yourself compassion. Compassion isn't about approval or wanting something to continue. It's about realistically identifying what's going on w/ you & handling your vulnerability w/ care.
Understanding & taking Dissociative Identity Disorder seriously is suicide prevention.
You are not as "rambling" or incoherent as Trauma Brain is telling you you are. Your experience matters & what you'e saying makes sense.
That voice in your head telling you otherwise just wants to shut you up-- & it knows embarrassment & shame are excellent tools for that.
Anxiety f*cks us up enough. We don't have to make it worse by going all in on behaviors like self harm or restrictive eating to try to feel more in "control."
They may feel better for a sec-- but ultimately those behaviors will get us feeling even more trapped than we were.
We don't choose our genes & we don't choose the overwhelming majority of our experiences growing up. We don't choose our risk factors & we don't choose our conditioning.
Trauma recovery is about identifying what we CAN realistically choose, here & now-- & letting the rest go.
We are not going to realistically recover from CPTSD while also clinging to the fantasy that what happened to us was a "little" thing that we can blow off w/ just a few "minor" life adjustments.
Sustainable recovery requires us to see what we see & know what we know.
Demanding someone quit fantasizing about suicide without supporting them in developing a better quality of life isn't going to work. Chances are they're suicidal at least partly because of all the demands they've endured already-- without realistic support.
I believe you can get through today, I believe you can get through tonight, & I believe you can find a way to advance your trauma recovery .01% in this 24 hours.
Breathe; blink; focus.
So your recovery day isn't perfect, your recovery skills aren't perfect, & your recovery attitude's not perfect. Know who else's trauma recovery is imperfect? Every goddamn survivor on the face of the planet. Self included.
Easy does it. Think "good enough" & get through today.
Don't let the fact that your journal was weaponized against you once upon a time keep you from using journaling as a tool in your trauma recovery now. "They" shouldn't get to decide what tools you do & don't have access to (&, not for nothing, journaling is a core recovery tool).
We don't just mourn people when they die. Often we're actually mourning whole eras of our life.
Even when somebody we feel negatively about dies, we might still have a strong, sad reaction-- because it's not about the person. It's about much broader, more abstract loss.
Staying the f*ck away from feelings & memories associated w/ our trauma does nothing but guarantee they will continue to live in our body, nervous system, & endocrine system exactly as they do right now.
If nothing changes, nothing changes.
You cannot & did not "make" or "let" them abuse or neglect you.
That's true whether you were a child or an adult.
Breathe for me.
You are realistic, you are goal directed, & you're focused only on the next micro choice in front of you today.
You focus on self talk, mental focus, & physiology, because that's what sustainable trauma recovery is actually about.
Breathe. Blink. Focus.
Hey, you. Trauma survivor (even if no one in your world knows it) who is up tonight wondering if it's possible, worth the effort, or realistic to keep on going & try to repair this sh*t-- or if anyone gives a f*ck?
It is, and I do.
Accepting that we're never going to know exactly why they did what they did, exactly what they were thinking, exactly why they didn't love us, exactly what the f*ck their deal is-- that's one of the hardest parts of realistic trauma recovery. Don't let anyone tell you different.
You are under no obligation to "embrace struggle" w/ "gratitude."
If simplistic bootstrappy bullsh*t worked for trauma recovery, I'd be the first to embrace it. But in most survivors it does nothing but scrape up shame & cringe.
If "willpower" was the key to trauma recovery, every survivor would be skipping down Healed Lane whistling that "Happy" song. Trauma survivors do NOT lack "willpower." They're the most willful people you're ever going to meet.
Turns out, though, recovery isn't that simple.
Your abuser is not as all-powerful as they are in your memory, or as that young "part" of you feels like they are or were.
It make sense we'd believe they were that powerful. They were scary & we were small. But they're not.
Easy does it. Reassure your inner child.
Your mileage may vary, but I find "to do" lists a helpful trauma recovery tool-- provided they're realistic, don't get too long, don't get too complex, & especially provided we're absolutely committed to not shaming or punishing ourselves when not every item gets checked off.
You're not "choosing" to "focus on the negative." You focus is getting HIJACKED-- you've just been conditioned to blame & shame yourself for things you experience & feel.
Easy does it. You're working on taking back your cognitive steering wheel, little bit by little bit.
Fighting & fleeing get a bad rap. Because they're hallmarks of reflexive trauma repossess, they tend to get pathologized-- but the truth is, fighting &/or fleeing are perfectly appropriate & adaptive responses to certain situations.
Sometimes you gotta scrap-- or bolt.
