Dr. Glenn Patrick Doyle

Working our trauma recovery very often means losing any ability or inclination to perform someone else's idea of "fine"-- that is, we lose our capacity to bullsh*t to make other people more comfortable. And that's a beautiful, if frequently messy, thing.

There's no one experience of dissociation. Some experience it as hard & fast, like the power suddenly cutting out or a door slamming shut. Others experience floating, falling-- or drowning. Because your experience doesn't match someone else's doesn't mean it's not dissociation.

You don't "have" to do that thing that Trauma Brain is telling you you "have" to do. You can CHOOSE to do it, but know you don't "have" to just because you have the old voices of bullies & abusers whispering in your ear.

A history that includes complicated & painful attachments can f*ck w/ our head about what "love" is & isn't-- & get us chasing people & situations that have nothing to do w/ love to fill an attachment-shaped hole in our heart.

We don't struggle w/ self love because we're "unlovable." We struggle w/ it because we had precious few examples of what "loving" us looks like. Where do you think we learn how to love & value ourselves (or anybody)? We had no models for it. We're learning self-love on the fly.

I understand it can be hard to be kind to yourself in your own head. It can feel cringe & unnatural & maybe even undeserved. I don't need you to turn into Mr. Rogers in your own head. But I do need you to quit kicking the sh*t out of yourself if your'e serious about recovery.

The habits & tools that kept you alive are not cause for shame-- though others may try to shame you for them, & they may not represent what you want to continue in your life indefinitely.

You did what you knew & used what you had & you stayed alive. No shame.

One of the biggest lies our trauma conditioning tells us is that, if we're not liked or loved by a specific person in a specific way, we are "worthless."

As if another human could arbitrarily assign or deprive us of true "worth" based on their mood or attention span that day?

Wanting to quit is normal in trauma recovery. It's not a sign you're "weak" or even a sign you're not going to succeed. It's a sign you're tired & you haven't had much experience w/ things working out in the past. No more; no less.

Easy does it. Don't overreact to that urge.

The idea of us that exists in others' heads may be better or worse than our own opinion of us-- but what it's NOT, ever, is 100% accurate. We may be able to influence others' ideas about us, but we can't "control" what they think or believe about us.

Remember & shift your focus.

If you're reading this, whether you're having an awesome or an awful day, take a sec & push pause. Check in w/ who you are & your recovery goals for today (not your ultimate goals-- your feeling & behavior goals TODAY).

Breathe, blink, center & affirm yourself-- then carry on.

Things don't need to be "perfect" now, in the past, or in the future to create a livable, meaningful life.

That's not abstract philosophy or a trite platitude, it's a fact that's useful to remember as we approach this day, this hour, this minute w/ realism & self-compassion.

No joke: trauma recovery is stressful.

But compared to the stress of letting CPTSD kick our ass & destroy our future, it's a stress that I'll choose again & again & again. Because f*ck my bullies & abusers, you know?

It's hard to be, or explore, or develop, your true self when you have CPTSD hijacking your thoughts, feelings, & choices.

We don't work our recovery because we love thinking about trauma. We do it because we have an authentic self underneath it all who is waiting for us.

Suicidal thoughts don't necessarily mean you want to die, & self harm urges don't necessarily mean you want to hurt.

Turns out: trauma recovery asks us to understand our thoughts & urges more deeply (& compassionately) than the normies ever have to.

No matter how thoroughly CPTSD is kicking our ass on any given day, we have SOME influence (not "control," INFLUENCE) over what we say to ourselves, what we visualize & focus on, & how we use our body & breathing. Focus there. That's where your leverage, your wiggle room, is.

Hitting a speed bump in your trauma recovery isn't always a tragedy, or even necessarily a "setback." Sometimes we need to slow down & check in.

So today's not a 10X "progress" day in your recovery-- but maybe a day like today is exactly what your recovery needs right now.

Trauma recovery asks us to choose ourselves, over & over again, in ways that can be profoundly uncomfortable when we've been conditioned to prioritize others' preferences over our needs.

Keep doing it. Scramble the sh*t out of that self-neglectful programming.

"I MUST control (whatever)" is the big lie CPTSD tells us. Demanding we "control" much of anything in our lives sets us up for profound frustration. Trauma recovery asks us to focus on gaining incrementally more INFLUENCE over what WE can affect in our lives. "Control" is a trap.

There is not a thing in the world wrong w/ being unapologetically selective about who you let not just into your physical space, but your emotional & intellectual space as well. If they don't support the life & world you're trying to create, you don't have the bandwidth for them.

The trauma recovery community really, really needs to develop more resources for survivors who, yes, are recovering from past trauma-- but who are also right now vulnerable to or immersed in painful relationships or situations that are functionally inescapable.

We face today w/ the tools & support we have, not the ones we "should" have, or we "wish" we had, or we had once upon a time. Trauma Brain's going to try to trick & distract us from realistically managing today-- but keep bringing it back.

Here, now, is where we have leverage.

Someone dying or otherwise no longer in our life doesn't mean our relationship w/ them ends. We still have to realistically acknowledge & manage our memories of them & their ongoing impact on us.

Losing someone changes our relationship-- it doesn't end it.

Someone who changes .01% of who they are every day is, over time, a completely different human than who they were. Realistic change happens in sustainable increments over time.

Raindrops carve canyons. Focus on your sustainable .01% shift-- your raindrop-- today. No more.

It matters exactly 0% if you're managing your symptoms & struggles to "their" satisfaction today. "They" don't have to live in your head, heart, & body. You do.

Consistently orient your recovery & healing toward what YOU can & want to live with-- not anybody else.

Nobody reading this NEEDS forgiveness for not being "perfect"-- but sometimes it can be helpful to think in terms of extending yourself (especially your "parts" & inner child) forgiveness & grace for not effortlessly being who your parents or peers wanted you to be.

Being told over & over again how admirably "resilient" you are can have the paradoxical effect of making you feel guilty for not being more "grateful" or otherwise happy you survived-- when the reality is you feel like garbage & want more & different from your life now.

Resilience is great. We want resilience. But to me trauma recovery is not about getting more "resilient." We've had enough "just getting by" by the skin of our "resilient" teeth.

To me the goal of recovery is measurably, meaningfully, REALISTICALLY improved quality of life.

Every trauma survivor reading this, no matter how different we are, has the same essential task on our plate today: compassionately, realistically reeling our brain in when it tries to get freaked out about the future, or vicious & judgmental about the past.

Easy does it.

The voice in your head right now, calling you "selfish" or "entitled" for acknowledging your pain or asserting your needs, has nothing to do w/ reality.

It has everything to do w/ making you feel like garbage so you'll stay small & compliant.

Remember.