Dave Brandt

It's not necessarily ramen but Lan City's noodle bowls are noice

Oh no I'm due at Kroger in 45 minutes

All right this is good shit

All the cool kids are old poor brunette hermits

Generally better vibes than the bird app but we're all mad about the same things no matter where you're scrolling

Our cats ignored us all day yesterday, the day the couch blanket was in the wash.

To get the thing you ordered on your SPACE TELEPHONE that allows you to access all knowledge in the universe

A hundred years ago this would have taken eight months and four people would have died on the voyage

In just six weeks our stray kitten we inherited has gone from sitting on my shoulder and laying on my chest near constantly to being on my lap like twice a day for a couple minutes.

Some time ago I created a Google news alert for the phrase "s&m muppets" for reasons I no longer remember but whenever I do get a notification it is always incredibly disappointing

Don't yuck his yum

Oh nooooo

It's a terrible curse

I say this sometimes when I feed my cats

Oh iiiiii
Am am maaaan
Of constant hyperfixationnnnn

The Love Boat but space. Just vibing on a ship.

This happened to me once when I was eight years old except it was with my adult cousin and my shoulder and a wildly errant throw during a game of darts

Rad but why don't they come in black

Just change all your passwords to DootDootDoot1! or something

Stepmothers who live their lives with a certain degree of... particularity

My partner and I share a closet in the main bedroom but then each of us has our own individual closet in the other bedrooms.

(And if we have guests who need a closet, well, they're just fucked, I guess.)

We have a skunk in our neighborhood who I believe specifically watches for us to get into the hot tub and then goes hog wild just to spite us

I just saw an obituary for Graham Greene that called him "Red Dead Redemption Performer" and it made me feel a hundred years old

That sucks.

I'll be excited for you.

I live in a general neighborhood where the locals don't want it anyway, so the CVS closest to me always has plenty on hand and no waiting

OH COME ON

I'm pro Pamela Anderson and Liam Neeson too

I saw "IT" when I was like seven and that started a years-long irrational fear that blood would just randomly come out of the faucet instead of water

I might go out once every week or two and put on the ol' "I used to care" costume. But today it's stained ripped jeans and a tshirt I should have probably thrown out already. No one but my partner and our cats have seen me since Saturday and they're welcome to judge me for it if they want.