James Hazelden

"Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games..."

Dude, have you ever been to a jungle?

Get rich or try dying.

The original Nightmare on Elm Street is good, but Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge is an absolute masterpiece.

of all the motives i think my favorite is ulterior

I enjoyed Scream 7.

The idea of rich people also wanting to be liked is so funny to me. You picked your lane.

We're living in a time where history is being written by people who are making misatkes on purpose to encourage engagement.

At an age where, if someone calls me middle-aged, it's a compliment.

When you forget to buy honey in the squeezy jar.

Sad that 'wrong answers only' has inundated literally everything in our lives.

If you lean your head forward in photographs, you'll look photoshopped.

Just discovered boygenius - terrific band.

If you 'tentatively' accept a meeting invite, no way in hell are you going to that meeting.

Why do I have to log in to pay my bills?
If someone else paid my bills for me they wouldn't care and I'd be fucking delighted.

Our quest to eradicate nuance from every single conversation is nearly complete.

Pretty bummed today. Just found out I'm AI.

I thought they were serious when they posted that offensive opinion and then, right at the end of the sentence, the word, 'NOT'. 'Holy shit', I remember thinking. 'That was a close one'.

"Would you like to stay signed in?"
I would adore to stay signed in, but we both know it's not going to happen.

Just got a letter telling me it's my turn to be played by Timothee Chalamet in a movie.

Hobbies can pique your interest and eke your Pinterest.

This just in: new hate laws make it illegal to call Nazis, 'Nazis'.

the twins in Dead Ringers

Jeremy irons was born to play the identical twins in Dead Ringers. He is the spitting image of himself

Stop! Hamal time.

I had to abandon the Titanic due to syncing issues.

A four panel comic, the first shows an angel on a shoulder saying “pursue the virtuous path!. The second is a devil on the opposite shoulder saying”if you don’t do something selfish, someone else will!” The third is a clock near someone’s hip saying “ you had better decide quick! You’re running out of time!” The fourth is a pizza slice on the opposite hip saying “hit a cop with a baseball bat!”

[in the same genuinely appreciative voice that E-40 says he did a song with Fred Durst] I did a comic with @bransonreese.bsky.social

Here's a weird detail about the person who threw a bomb at Invasion Day protestors:

"The alleged bomb, which witnesses claimed was encased in an Elsa-themed sock from the film Frozen, did not explode."

🎶Sing us a song - you're the piano man
I thought it was me but it's you
Because I'm the one singing and playing
But you're a piano man too?🎶

Air (the French band) make the kind of music you would hear if God put you on hold.

Hats... I can't wrap my head around them.

Does anyone else think it's weird that Jim Carrey looks exactly like the guy who was Ace Ventura? (who was also played by a guy called Jim Carrey, coincidentally).