House of 1000 Fionas

I saw Ghost at Madison Square Garden on July 22 and it was incredibly fun, except I was right behind a girl in a full nun's habit plus corset that she had clearly been festering under for some hours, so the whole time I was like "Sister, can you please get your... fuckin stinky wimple outta my face"

Having an extra waffle at breakfast just to take the edge off

Like some kind of "uncola", if you will

Oh my god 😦 lol lol lol

I feel that a nighttime look can be a daytime look provided that you look good as hell in it 😎

I've got a pretty bad case of banana backpack 😔 (I put a banana in my backpack and now it smells like banana in my backpack)

Weird Al at the end of the "Living with a Hernia" video, dressed like James Brown, yelling "I feel BAD!" right before he falls over

It's funny because it's true

A screenshot of a Japanese listening exercise in Duolingo, and the English translation of the sentence is "Isn't your makeup a bit overdone?"

Finally unlocked the "Japanese for Bitches" unit in Duolingo

She's risking her life to try to deliver humanitarian aid to Palestinians is what she did! She's a brave Swedish activist! And in his house, Greta Thunberg is a hero, end of story!!!

Oh cool, that might OH NO NOT AGAIN!!

Dear universe,

Since I'm being wrung out like a dishrag by my current employer, and am therefore too tired to job hunt, kindly drop the perfect job for me directly into my lap, please and thank you.

P.S. no monkeypaw shit

💀😭

People are always like "you're so naturally funny"

(thousand yard stare)

there's nothing natural about it

Getting through the goddamn work day feels like being one of those lizards that can run across water because of surface tension, just hauling absolute ass at maximum frenzy to skitter across an unending river of fuckin BULLshit

I'm a lot like our Lord in that I also sleep for 3 days after an eventful Friday night

Calling the DEI hotline to inform on lady Matlock

🙏 likewise 🙏

We gotta break out the emergency provisions (lasagna westerns)

I hate this for us lol lol

I don't know about you guys, but me? I'm in that in-between area where I'm not mentally ill enough to receive support of any kind from the government, but I *am* mentally ill enough that every day of my life is torture

I work in Times Square, and god damn if every day doesn't feel more and more like the beginning of "Children of Men"

You know what I could really go for right now? One of those large cash settlements

Even on my regular antidepressant, I still felt unresolved symptoms of depression. So I asked my doctor about adding Cadbury Mini Eggs.

I have no time for nuance. Kill me or get out of my way

Homer Simpson playing the knife game at his kitchen table, and each of his fingers have a bloody red spot where he's stabbed each of them, and the knife is in his index finger (he is saying "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.")

I uploaded a gif, goddamnit, if I knew it wouldn't work I woulda picked this single frame where all of his fingers are all bloody