Musk's Executive Assistant

Opinion | Elon Musk’s Legacy Is Disease, Starvation and Death

Mr. Mask just named his three new children:
www.nytimes.com/2025/05/30/o...

5 accomplishments I achieved last week:
1. Sent 💩 to 37 journalists
2. Invented the xillion, a number to be used by DOGE's ̶P̶R̶ ̶d̶e̶p̶a̶r̶t̶m̶e̶n̶t̶ accountants
3. Advised Mr Musk regarding his new Charlie Chaplin moustache
4. Collected the weekly CyberTruck™ debris
5. Fixed the printer

A SpaceX shuttle is not exploding, but rapid unscheduled disassembles

Mr. Musk takes over the FAA, so planes would stop crashing.

Rapid unscheduled disassemblies, however, are expected to double

Elon Musk’s DOGE Posts Classified Data On Its New Website “People are scrambling” to see if their sensitive information has been accessed by Musk’s programmers, said one federal intelligence employee.

̶2̶ 0 days since the latest DOGE data leak

www.huffpost.com/entry/elon-m...

It's a boy! Please congratulate Mr. Musk for the birth of his youngest son! Well, his youngest until tomorrow

The cafeteria ran out of CompoundX™ to add to the water. Some employees started seeing colors again. The head chef has been sent to The Basement

Mr. Musk came up with a new plan to train new employees to take over the federal buildings. It's called Musk's Youth. He already made a uniform for them

Also, what's happening in The Basement isn't eugenics, it's market growth optimization

Mr. Musk told us that if someone with more than 100 billion dollars does it, you can't call it a coup, it's a buyout

I had to tell Mr. Musk that unfortunately he can't name his new death laser thingy the way he wanted, because the X-ray already exists

Due to many complaints about unidentified young men taking control of federal buildings, Mr. Musk ordered all DOGE employees to wear a red arm band with an X on a white background.
Now they can be identified

Mr. Musk had a meeting with Tesla's chief data scientist today. Apparently, the Autopilot algorithm doesn't reach the right conclusion when it has to choose between hitting a White man or a class of Black kindergartners. Or just trying to avoid hitting minorities in general

He's making a list (of federal employees),
He's checking it twice (marking some of the names with a pink triangle, some with a yellow star),
Mr. Musk is coming to town

A simple search-and-replace mistake caused a press release to mention our new campus in "Lagos, DEIia"

The government workers can choose to be recycled in one of our Neuralink centers

Mr Musk wants to make it perfectly clear that the data itself was moved to a safe location and will be accessible only by authorized personnel, or anyone joining GovernmentX™ for $8 a month

Working all night on the rebranding of the Department Of Governmental Efficiency as the new National Agency for Zefficiency Integration.
Does anybody know what "Zefficiency" means?

Mr Musk just told us a very funny joke and we all laughed voluntarily and wholeheartedly. I mean, I think it's a joke. I'm almost certain it's a joke. Oh dear god, I hope it's a joke. Somebody should alert the Belgians

Oh no, oh no, oh no! The dry cleaners lost Mr. Musk's laundry! Does anybody know where I can find a white cone-shaped pillow case? I can cut the eye holes myself

I signed an NDA, so all I can say is that many of the Cybertrucks™ in Wisconsin definitely 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 explode yesterday

Mr. Musk just told me I'm going to be the first executive assistant on Mars! I mean, he said a 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 of me will live on Mars. While he took another vial of my blood. I'm sure it's going to be fine

Mr. Musk named all the meeting rooms "X". It took me 3.5 hours to find the right one