Tom Delfino

It's been so long since season four of 'Stranger Things' that season five will take place at the Shady Pines Retirement Home.

Apparently Magic is coming out with an 'Avatar: The Last Airbender' set. It would be funny if they made a Battle card called 'There Is No War in Ba Sing Se.'

Apparently Dollar Tree is now Dollar-Fifty Tree.

GPS: "In 100 feet at the traffic circle, continue straight."
me: "No, thank you."

How do you make a witch itch?

Take out the "w".

#JustHeardThis

Republicans control Congress right now, dumbass.

"An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs." - Mitch Hedberg

Apparently the rapture is predicted for tomorrow. It better be worth it because the last couple of raptures have sucked.

Well, I didn't have Charlie Kirk getting shot on my 2025 bingo card.

You don't truly know someone until you've played Monopoly with them.

Whatever you say, couch humper.

Now where are the Epstein files?

I have a special arrangement with the lottery commission. I pay them $2 for the privilege of telling them which numbers not to pick.

Hey, Texas is on line two.

Having seen the new 'War of the Worlds', I can't help but wonder how Craig from 'Friday' got a job working for Homeland Security.

We've had a 'Jason Takes Manhattan'. Now can we get a 'Jason Takes D.C.'?

Here's a dad joke I just heard:

How much money does a skunk have? Just one scent!

I hope everyone in Nashville is enjoying this monsoon weather...

I would say Happy 4th, but you know...

A Dem lawmaker and her husband were killed by a guy for their political views and it’s already out of the news.

When you came to Nashville a couple weeks ago, all the furniture stores in town had to beef up on security.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ready_o...

Hey! Awesome!

If they ever make a JD Vance biopic, I hope they use R.E.M.'s "Crush with Eyeliner" for the end credits.

If you truly want to know someone, watch them deal with an automated phone tree and see how long it takes before they start sounding like Samuel L. Jackson.

I'm sitting here watching 'The Ten Commandments' on TV and can't help but be amazed at how much Moses looks like El Cid.

It might be nice if Disney+ did a Wraith Squadron series.

Don't procrastinate when you can perendinate.

I wonder if Batman is afraid of Ozzy Osbourne.

I just got a hold of customer service on the phone. I was having the same problem. There's some sort of outage.

Apparently there's some sort of #Hulu outage. :/