Lord Salfordlad67

I turned down a job where I would be paid in vegetables.

The celery was unacceptable.

I once had a chat with Elvis about certain supermarkets. Waitrose, Co-op, Sainsbury's, Morrisons, Tesco, Asda and Aldi...

It was a Lidl-less Conversation...

I'm in a band called Arse…

We're an Elbow tribute band; nobody can tell us apart!

If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she:

(a) Has intimacy issues
(b) Is frigid
(c) Needs to sit somewhere else on the bus!

A Birdseye View of Britain.

I just found out that "Aaargh!" Isn't a real word.

I cannot express how angry I am.

How do you console an English
teacher?

There, their, they're.

TAMPAX have announced that they will be taking the string off tampons and replacing it with tinsel............This is for the Christmas period only.
😂🤣😂🤣

Absolutely gutted!
Kajagoogoo tickets just gone on sale for £60, but I’ve only got £58. 😭

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants...

It's called feefiphobia!

I love David Attenborough. He is a National Treasure and is 100 years old next year..👏🎂👏 but there are only a certain number of ways to describe animals shitting, shagging and scoffing each other🤣🤣

Boat hits ice.......Sinks.

Elton John can name all the counties of England except for one, Surrey seems to be the hardest word!

My mate rang me last night to tell me he failed his first exam in Aboriginal music.
I said, "Didja redo it?"

My mate needs a job. I told him to try the Mountain Rescue Team. They are always looking for someone!

Exclusive #TalkingPicturesTV Beanie Hat! Perfect gift or stocking filler, unisex design.
Keep warm this winter in our Limited Edition TPTV Black Beanie Hat.
Just £12.00 with free UK Postage buff.ly/hCYTdFX

A friend asked what I was planning to do at the weekend.

"I'm going to pick up my new glasses," I answered.

"And then what?" he said.

"Then I'll see!" I replied.

Great News🙂

Did you hear Sophie Ellis Bextor's dog died at the home of a footballer...

Apparently is was murder on Zidane's floor!

Ours is called Hairy Minge🤣

Mac now supports Windows!

Pretend you're a character in a soap by working 20 feet from your front door, not buying a washing machine, drinking in your local every night and marrying every woman in your street at least once.

I'll never forget my Nan's final words to me before she died.

"What are you doing with that hammer?"

Just spent £300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver...

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it!

We got our dogs some glow in the dark treats for their birthday...

You should have seen their little faeces light up!

I always look at my dogs ringpiece after a poo. It's always clean. I'm jealous that dogs have a self cleaning clacker valve, whilst mines like an Icelandic mud spring.

I drank liquid Tippex last, thought it was liquid Viagra! Woke up this morning with a huge correction!