Bigthinkingcap

I haven’t had to make xmas cupcakes for my kid’s school in years
I’m starting to heal

If you say you like pineapple on your pizza, it’s gonna take me a moment to process through that, but we can still be friends.

“I love the way you taste on my lips”, I say to my cinnamon roll. “You’re next”, I whisper as my coffee watches wantonly.

be kind rewind (back to 1998 so i can get a do-over)

if you followed for flowers, sorry about my boobs.

if you followed for boobs, i'm not sorry about all the flowers.

I have trouble throwing away free stickers

I hope joy finds you today in some way, shape, or form

C'mon, let's go home.

Christmas, the high holy day of Capitalism.

*slaps a xmas bow on your forehead because you are a gift

self-loathing is what brought me here, creative indifference is what keeps me here

As January approached, Gary felt compelled to identify and list his top 10 ER visits of 2025, along with each associated GoFundMe page.

standing outside santa's village demanding to see the nice list

Your skin looks great, what have you been doing?

Every night I douse myself in tears and microwaved butter.

Being alive is the most irrational thing I do.

I’m at level 18000 on a game on my phone, so I guess we’re all accomplishing big things.

Watching my boss opening his secret santa from me

who up making false promises to themselves tomorrow morning

Not to brag or anything, but I got one of those ‘we’ll keep you in mind for future opportunities’ emails.

I don't know much about love, but I do know "buy one, get one for $1" by heart.

This is a photo of a plastic bag that prominently states “This bag is not a toy”.

Well not with that attitude it isn’t

ur not truly old until u pull a muscle in ur shoulder while folding ur underwear

"please continue to hold for the next available agent"

[it's one guy and he's already gone home for the day]

back on my bullshit

🤍🤍🤍

Nudes are passé, send me your esophageal scans

i like my women the way i like my statements about rawdawg fitness drink, now with 25% more neuromaxxing adaptogens and alphaswolitrol proteins: not evaluated by the fda

gamestop just offered me $11 trade-in credit for my 2002 pontiac grand am

a gummy that gets you unstoned

they should invent a getting old where you get younger