| mdnf 🌸🌧️

why is it the more water i drink the less hydrated i feel

i love being a fatass alcoholic (i'm miserable and so insecure that i won't leave the house)

i bought 2L of vodka and i'm hoping that gets me through until next pay. i'm trying to spend all my pay at once and properly be prepared for the fortnight, so i don't impulse spend on stupid shit and then not have any left for the essentials

wish i was drunk

the embarrassment and shame that comes w existing after you've gained weight is unmatched. especially if you were fat, lost weight and then gained it all back. it feels like everyone's secretly so disappointed that you got ugly again

me being fat has totally destroyed my life. i'm too insecure to do anything except stay at home and get fatter

happy halloween!! it's okay to day drink

because the bottle shop knows i'm a regular, the guy said it's cool if i just owe them $2 so i got a 10pk !! i love them

she sent me $20 which is nice but idk what to do with it LOL. i could walk to the further bottle shop and get like... little fat lamb i guess. even the cheap ciders are $21

i just want alcohol i don't care

asking my narcissistic mother for money and praying my shame fuels her enough to boost her ego into doing it so i can buy booze

the biggest cockblock to my happiness is money. i can work for short bursts of time before i get burnt out (usually bc of issues with rsd), and that burn out is so painful. i feel humiliated that i can't just be normal and push through those feelings without wanting to drive into a wall

i would like to do a lot, but i don't have the faith in myself that it's possible to have the life that i want. i'm not confident in my ability to complete my goals, so i stopped making goals. i got tired of failing over and over and figure it's just easier not to try

i would like to work in a field where i can help people and give them education and resources that help draw them into better lives with better opportunity for happiness, but i feel too undereducated and too old to learn.

i guess when i imagine happiness for myself it's coming up blank, or coming up as unrealistic and impossible. i would LIKE to live in an apartment on my own, so i could look out over the city at night as it rains and just breathe. but it's too expensive and i can't keep up with jobs for long.

idk what happiness would be to me. feeling financially secure? having a house to call my own, decorated with my own things where i feel free to sit in the loungeroom? working a job that i find stimulating and rewarding?

i feel like there's just been so little upside to being alive. i'm barely scraping by and the reward is that sometimes i laugh with my friends. my life doesn't mean anything :/ i'm sticking around out of guilt because i don't wanna leave my brother behind

i never asked to be born, and now my life is piled high with the responsibility to keep myself alive. i have to work or suffer with low income. i have to pay $290 a week to live in a tiny house with another person and pay bills and buy food. how could i not be depressed

sometimes u just gotta eat 2 lebanese cucumbers with kfc aoli sauce

dude i completely get u. it's so frustrating but you've got this 💗

my finances are terrible because i'm terrible with my money. i didn't service my car even when i was working and had the money to service it, and now it doesn't work. my roommate works and doesn't have a car but i use not having mine as an excuse not to because it's uncomfortable :/

remember: it's only a rest day if you allow yourself to rest

i feel this so hard. when i took fluoxetine i was the worst i've ever been because it makes you so numb and lethargic. if u do choose to stop taking the meds just be aware that going off of them suddenly can suck ass even more then the lethargy and tiredness. hang in there <3

it was your parents' responsibility to listen to and acknowledge you. it's a parents' role to make you feel safe, heard and loved. when a parent fails to do these things it changes the way our brains are wired and leads to a lot of confusion and suffering as adults

a lot of us didn't have our realities confirmed to us as kids and it shows. it's so so important to listen and hear what children are saying to you. repeat it back to them to confirm that it was heard BEFORE correcting them!!! listen to HEAR not to TEACH.

if u see this it's a sign to keep going. keep fighting through feeling like shit. i know the world is so hard but i'm right here with you. we will get through this. you deserve to be alive 💗

i can't die because i have to have my little brother's back. i'll never leave him alone to deal with the world because i know it's just too hard to do without someone by your side

realising that it may also be the fact that i'm drinking a lot of alcohol that my sh scars r going numb... but i also think vasline helps with hydration which helps w movement. i'll check in again w the vasline when i'm sober to double confirm my advice abt using it for scars

i've started putting vaseline on my sh scar bc it's been hurting so bad lately. the pain went away right away but idk if that's bc of the hydration or massaging of applying it. either way i recommend it if ur scars r hurting <3

i feel so safe and certain that i won't go out into the house and stumble over things that i have no control over. it doesn't smell like rotten food and skeletised mouse corpses. the sink isn't full of half rinsed, maggot-ridden dishes. i'm safer than i've ever been and i'm grateful for that