Tom Danks 🍃

Someone I know was sent to a nursing home because he inexplicably went on the roof

Just mentioning that… you know.

eggs bennie with fries is such a good combo I love a little hollandaise and potato moment

one time at burning man a guy told me that the olsen twins could crush cans on their foreheads and that he’d seen them do it irl, my question is: can you also do that

ah fuck we still have so many cherries left now I gotta bake that one ina garten chocolate cake (you know the one) and also make cherry vanilla syrup for coffees and probably another batch of maraschino cherries ah fuck

wife INNOCENT also our cocktails are going to be so fancy in approx four weeks

looks like we’re on our periods here lol but no really it’s just pits and juice everywhere sorry haha

my nice wife Dan got his account suspended for telling nazis to fuck off (I’m putting that SO lightly lmao) so it’s up to me to post our food content now and today we’re canning our own maraschino cherries because they were 85¢/lb at winco

lol tingly

why do I feel it in my taint when I poke into my bellybutton too deep can anyone relate

OLDER KITTENS ARE THE BEST KITTENS!!!!! 😭😭😭

hey can everybody behave, my mom just found out about bluesky and thinks it’s full of cute animals, I can’t have her learning we’re all degenerates here it’ll crush her

got a wee talkin-to at work today about how when I say fuck it comes out louder than the rest of my words for some reason so maybe I should tone that down but my boss said NOTHING about how I yelled “ARE YOU ASKING ME IF THE THING CUMS LIKE ROCKS AND OOZE OR MUD???” at my coworker

*waow* it’s a praying mantis with very good camouflage in some leaves

sorry I’m late for work I saw a praying mantis and had to stop for a photoshoot

listen I love watching little videos of people doing their makeup but if I hear the phrase “okAaaay I’m gonna go in wiiiith….” one more time I’m GOING to scream I’m sorry it’s like are you all hearing yourself say it or like does it just come tumbling out idk idk

A missed connections post entitled "Stop performatively techdecking at my cafe (NW)"

Missed connections in Portland

In 2016, French Michelin-starred chef Hélène Darroze posted a salade niçoise recipe on Facebook that included cooked potatoes and green beans. According to journalist Mathilde Frénois, the reaction on Facebook was quick and hostile from the "purists". Darroze's version was called "a massacre of the recipe", a "sacrilege", and a violation of the "ancestral traditions" of the salad. She was warned that it is "dangerous to innovate".

imagine being this mean about a salad
lmao @ the french

did u get banned for being 5’3”

there isn’t a single pic of Fred Durst and Wes Borland that exists where I don’t go “those guys are me, I’m both those guys”

Good Evening, "limp bizkit" was a 31 year sociological study conducted by Harvard University. We are now complete with our study. Thank you for your time.

in the time it took to take and then post this pic a crew of old retired lesbians came in and took up the entire two rows in front of us

theater’s still empty come through

uh oh I think we might’ve had too many beers before superman whoops

go piss girl

im seeing a funnel cake that got left out too long

my nice wife was like “oh wow that looks either really moldy or very delicious” and then realised it was a shirt

The Modern Bluesky Experiencw

Me, canadian, not posting anything remotely political: gamer dick so sour it blew my cheeks out

The EthicalLandlord (Hilary WON!!!!!): the US government is getting its cheeks blown out daily because of sexist cowards such as yourself refusing to vote

Graffiti on a table that reads boobs is praxis

Shout out to Karl Marx

is this a safe space, can I say something controversial……..?

you can name cats something other than Mochi. it’s time to retire the name Mochi for cats. ty.

EXACTLY

okay bc like they do allow squirting?? so it’s definitely onlyfans’ position that squirt isn’t pee (Dan is trying to go to sleep and I am yelling about this, sorry to my nice sleepy wife)