Matt Thomas

My transition from “crocs are dumb” to “constantly wearing crocs” has been….alarmingly fast

Wait why am I suddenly getting conspiracy theories presented to me on IG? I have never interacted with this content before

Wally: that guy looks like you
Me: he must be very handsome then
Wally: No.

We have reached a point in geriatric cat care where we need to buy prescription food

a cartoon of a chicken nugget and a cup with a straw in it ALT: a cartoon of a chicken nugget and a cup with a straw in it

Us: gets a puppy
Penny:

We have a new friend

Got our first watermelon of the year, and I might eat the entire thing tonight.

Winter Soldier, Homecoming, Thor Ragnarok

FINE I BOUGHT SOME SHORT SHORTS

The internet seems to really believe I am in the market for fairly short shorts

a cartoon character pointing at a building with the word ha on it ALT: a cartoon character pointing at a building with the word ha on it

The boys have been watching the Simpsons a lot recently, which means the five year old has discovered doing the Nelson laugh. It’s going great.

Penny is the most dramatic animal in the waiting room at the vet

Wordle 1,456 1/6*

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

I am very confused by the fact that Instagram keeps giving me ads for hair products

I saw that just a few moments ago…

AND YET YOU CALLED ME

“These pants are too tight for this conversation” might be my new motto #secretlivesofmormonwives

Me: These women know way too much about each others lives.
Emily: No, you men just don’t know how to talk about anything.

I was getting ready to correct you

It’s really amazing how often I end conversations with my children by just saying “I dunno man, capitalism is a disaster”

It’s child number 4; it’ll be lucky if you remember it needs a bed (I kid you’ll be great)

“There’s nothing about this that isn’t dumb” - @etengelhardt.bsky.social

Finally time to find out what #momtok is doing

More bunk beds

Okay but I’m not reading that. And I don’t know what you do

Things that annoyed me at the half marathon this morning: all the people cheering positive things at me. No, I was NOT doing a great job.

When the guy at the finish line told me I wasn’t allowed to stop, and I had to keep going? That is what I needed

Very bold of Duquesne Light to send me my bill this morning

I don’t mean to brag, but according to Calvin I make the best grilled cheese in the WORLD