I just invented a term for when the author of a fantasy series has to reread books he wrote 45 years ago: Cringefest.

I just woke up from a dream that I had forgotten to go to any of my college classes and it was finals week. I bullshitted a speech in German in my dream, though, so apparently my subconscious is concerned I need to practice meine Deutsche Wortschatz

[HALF-LIFE 2]

I realise that as a starting weapon the 9mm pistol isn't supposed to be very powerful, but this is ridiculous. It literally works better to just hit them with the crowbar or even random small soft objects from your surroundings

Todd glass only has a couple hundred followers on here get in on the ground floor

Yeah we thought it was best you didn't know.

wait none of you bitches told me dichen lachman was in severance

This sentiment seems so reasonable! Sport needs fairness! Here's the trouble: there are two competing, basically legitimate policy concerns here...

Son's Friend: Hi Mr. Tanaka
Me: Oh no no no, Mr. Tanaka was my father's name
Friend: Lol ok, hi Gra-
Me: Grant was my father's name too
Friend:
Me:
Friend: So what do I call y-
Me: Karate Ghost

So we all know that Muppets fuck. That's just settled science. My question is, given their...structure, are Muppet condoms also Muppets? I mean look at a Kermit puppet you could shrink that and...see...so are they using tiny Muppets who are like Doozers, I guess, for sex? Sexdoozers? Muppetcondoms?

Oakley Introduces Line Of Sunglasses For Front Of Head

Oakley Introduces Line Of Sunglasses For Front Of Head
http://theonion.com/...

Shit's so bad we're witnessing Will Stancil get radicalized in real time

Oh hey Mr. Canary, you takin' a little canary nap? You deserve it, workin' so hard down here in the dark.

to be fair, i did not do well in the technical.

If you somehow had a one-night-stand with Paul Hollywood, how bummed would you be if you didn’t get a handshake afterwards?

the other day i had a minor mental collapse because I had Bob's Burgers on in the background while I was working and my subconscious brain finally pieced it together that the president of the united states was about to pardon Jimmy Pesto for treason, and now that has happened

An evil wizard has transported you to the past. You weren't able to bring anything with you and the wizard had also erased any knowledge of future tech from your mind. This is not a game. This is a reminder that there are unstoppable forces out there and we live and die by their whims. All is ashes.

i mocked my child in a goofy voice, like "oohh i'm eight and i have to go to school tomorrow" and he replied--instantly, without a second's pause for the years i've spent raising him, feeding and clothing him etc-- "i'm mama and i have a small but not invisible mustache"

Discworld QOTD, from Thief of Time

“People like that don't need a reason apart from "because I can". They have a nightmare and try to make it happen.”

my mother in law (idk what you call your brother's wife's mom) bought me the bernie sanders inauguration mittens for christmas and those things do not PLAY. that guy has excellent taste in mittens

I asked my partner which characters she would use to describe me and her FIRST ANSWER was Dr. Doofenshmirtz. I didn’t even tell her to make it embarrassing. That was her gut response.

My friend sent this to me years ago (knowing my addiction) and now I'm incredibly angry I can't actually find this on a shirt now that NIN is back in concert.

You gotta respect marine biologists because if you don't, all their buddies are nightmarish abyssal creatures. You don't need those kinds of enemies in your life.

Tweet by Edward Ongweso Jr @bigblackjacobin: Happy birthday to this crazy ass white boy. One day we are gonna go back in time and give him power armor. Quoting a tweet from Haymarket Books: Abolitionist John Brown was born May 9, 1800.

I think about this tweet a fair bit:

Starting a company to make video games less Italian.

Vampire Survivors is very close to something a Christian can relax into playing and just have fun sending demons to hell where they belong. "Upgrading" the King Bible to Unholy Vespers was a breaking point for me, though. That's not a weapon upgrade I want to use, and it inspired the creation of this English-to-English translation mod. Here, I set out to change the Unholy Vespers to the Midnight Prayers, which keeps an air of darkness without embracing evil. ("Vespers" means an evening prayer service.) I changed the weapon name and the item art. I also changed the Pentagram to the Star of David, which is what the VFX art already looks like. Beyond that, I tried to remove witchcraft, cynicism, and obfuscation from the weapon names. (Most weapon names are unchanged.) Please, see the "Original Weapon and Item Names" article for full details. Some examples: • Magic Wand -> Missile • Holy Wand -> Mo' Missile • Runetracer -> Pinball • NO FUTURE -> TILT (the Pinball upgrade) • Soul Eater -> O

I cannot stop thinking about the mod I found for Vampire Survivors that makes the game more acceptable to Christians by removing references to satan, witchcraft and, uh, the Italian language.

The amount of money and effort currently being invested in trying to addict young people to gambling in the USA can only be compared to when Philip Morris actively targeted 10 year olds to have active customers for the next 40

If I vaped McDonald's sprite, I bet I could time travel