Frank Ross

They are 6 months away from executing "enemies of the state" in sports stadiums.

We all know of Fox News wanchor Sean Hannity, but did you know his sister, Christy, is a big cheese in the church?

If you are suffering Eric Clapton withdrawal symptoms, I've got some Cream for that.

I hope you can watch tonight's C5 documentary "How defibrillators work" because it's shocking.

My wife didn't believe I'd bought one.
Then she saw me driving pasta.

You're thinking of the Car Bonara.

They will have to catch us first. We have a Lamborghini...

You will be,because I am.........The Lambinator.

Due to an autocorrect error, I spent 3 years paying £5 a month to save the toga.

Ewe would say that.

Joint of lamb for sale.
Mint condition.

OK. I won't send you a long list of things you need to do.
Just the bullet points.

That's what we're aiming for.

We've now finished hiring for my film "Firing Squad"
We start shooting tomorrow.

When my dentist gave up his practice to become a priest I thanked him for his past oral care. #LunchPun

I can save you some time by advising you not to watch tonight's documentary, "What causes a cholera outbreak," because it's shit.

Heathrow use a giant set of scales to gauge the obesity of visitors from overseas.

It's foreigner weigh the best method.

To celebrate getting my judo black belt, I decided to have a few friends over.

Tina Turner’s website doesn’t require you to create a login to buy stuff.

You’re simply the guest.

#LunchPun

Yesterday, we had bubble and squeek for dinner. A treat for my wife and I but not so much for the kids.
They loved those hamsters.

I wore a slinky dress to my Christmas party last night.
I looked fabulous but coming down the stairs was a killer

Hi Peter, while I've been through Clapham, I've never stopped at a cafe there. This is an attempt at humour. An attempt so appalling, it would leave any reasonable person with the belief I've no understanding of the concept whatsoever. 🤣

I remember Nan once saying, "The devil keeps us alive to harvest our sorrows to feed his legion of the dammed."

Lovely woman, terrible Samaritan.

I was in a cafe in Clapham recently and heard the following conversation:

Cafe owner: "See that table over there. That's where J R Tolkein wrote Harry Potter. "

Customer: "I thought J R Tolkein wrote War of the Worlds?"

Cafe owner: "That's right, Harry Potter and the War of the Worlds"

Keir Starmer had been defending the sandwich and says he likes a toastie but is he just playing Breville's advocate? #lunchpun

Before I post anything, I always check with my chickens to make sure they approve, as I believe that the hens should always justify the memes.
#LunchPun

Shout out to those starting #chemo at this time of year. My first session started on Christmas Eve, and the second on a New Year's Eve. It's a tough gig, so you are in my thoughts.
Also, make sure you are aware of the symptoms of #sepsis, as chemo hammers your immune system.
#fuckcancer.

I booked some boxing lessons with a local trainer.
They're a bit expensive, so I'm hoping to knock him down.

I'm sure most of you like savoury Indian food, but if you want something sweeter, I can recommend Mahatma candy.

My wife says I treat her more like an employee than a wife.
For that, I gave her a first written warning.