Dave Espley

She offered you a job yet?

"Wobbly cat
Wobbly dog
Wobbly cat and dog"

The bigger crime is that apostrophe

It's the only way mankind will ever move to another planet. Which is why we never will.

People often ask me if there's a good reason why I'm sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is

Patient, sobbing: But Doctor, I AM Pagliacci!
ChatGPT: Apologies. I didn't realise when recommending Pagliacci's epic show to cure your depression that you were the genius himself. I'm impressed! With regards to your initial question, I can recommend seeing the Great Clown Pagliacci.

COP: i told you this land is off limits

ME: oh i thought you said it was all flimits

COP: wtf are flimits

ME: idk let's go look

COP: ok

Half and half horse meme, with a great back half and a crap front

Test cricket season segueing into The Hundred

Cartoon of Peter Beardsley, from the Athletico Mince podcast

Awghright, Bob?

Wouldn't bother with Woakes. Shake hands now.
#thecricket

All The Pubs In Britain & Ireland & Nothing Else

brilliantmaps.com/uk-irelan...

Umpires having a mare this morning #thecricket

Let's cram all tests into a month, despite selling out 25 days of 20,000+, just so we can fit in a month of crud that no one's really arsed about.

I don't mind white ball (altho I'll never accept a completely new format made more sense than a T20 comp), but we've really got our priorities wrong.

Yeah, ridiculous. I paid £65 at Headingley and £80 at Edgbaston but that average should probably be even higher.

Yeah, in fairness it should be 2-2 or even a close India series win, but we're only a mediocre bowling performance at Old Trafford away from 4-1 (assuming we can get over the line here). Amazing series. 24 days of 20,000 sell outs at ticket prices that probably average £80+

Chris Woakes has got his whites on. Hip hip hooray. Chris Woakes has got his whites on and he’ll probably have to play. #EngInd #TheCricket

Ha ha! Thanks!

3 year old: [silently hands me a book]

me: “do you want me to read this to you?”

3 year old: “I mean. I can’t read. so.”

Please don't plug keyboards or other devices into random USB ports, ok?

The baby was like wait a minute 😅😅

YEP

I laughed at this video for like 2 minutes straight last night and now you get to

love when a paywall sounds like it’s drawing a gun on you

Ozzy Osbourne Farewell Show Was The Highest-Grossing Charity Concert Of All Time On July 5, Ozzy Osbourne put on a farewell concert, performing as a solo artist and with Black Sabbath for the last time in the band’s hometown of Birmingham, UK. Billed as the “Back To The Beginning”...

Ozzy going out after raising $190 million for sick kids and a Parkinson’s cure is metal AF.

Ozzy Osbourne visited my magic shop. He said he'd like to buy some stink bombs. How many? All of them. I had to go through drawers finding every last one. He bought 900 of them. To sign the credit card slip I handed him a shock pen, which he thought was hilarious and bought that too. RIP

So young 😥
#ozzy

If you were born between 1970-1990 you may not have full MMR protection, even if you had parents who took you for all your jabs. The NHS will give you a free booster. With cases surging, this is a great way to protect yourself & your community. I’m getting mine tomorrow www.nhs.uk/vaccinations...

Make your mum think she's at a theme park by handing her your coat and running away

Wordsworth and Coleridge at the Coldplay gig