Jolly guy

Menswear guy said my work retreat 2015 T-shirt is fine "given the circumstances"

This year you listened to 109 hours of the beating of his hideous heart! And now — again! — hark! louder! louder! louder! louder! “Villains!” you shrieked, “dissemble no more! I admit the deed! — tear up the planks!”

Share this story with friends!

Sub from Subway 😕

I bought this before Jared went crazy

Just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off but I like to keep him informed

sake bomb with a little plastic dose cup of nyquil and a mug of tea

When I said "rules are meant to be broken" I was talking about myself. Everybody else needs to follow the rules

Ughhh

no i'm not doing the heart hands thing i'm miming that i need you to bring me a burger

You can identify the cyborgs hiding among us by how celebratory they are today

Cyber Monday is here and deals are going fast! These deals are diaphanous. They are receding even as we speak, becoming mere memories of deals, prices longed for but lost, hints at what could have been had for less. A golden slant of sun through window falls on an empty countertop. Act now.

me: *googling symptoms*

webmd: you’re being murdered

murderer: see i told you

The term "cyber monday" was coined by William Gibson

just put the finishing touches on my novel! Inspired by William Gibson, it's the story of a dystopian society where corporations trade cured pork through a vast, interconnected digital web — the titular HAM NET. And now I think I'll reward myself with a trip to the movies

maybe they should have a learning man festival

crawling into bed and shooting myself with a tranq dart

“What’s the point of celebrating a dog’s birthday? They don’t even understand it!”

Oooh yeah, I would hate it so much if the hyper-intelligent creatures that loved me and took care of me made me have an awesome day for no reason. That would suck so bad oooohhh. I would hate having a special cake ah

It's so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That's what a bird would do!

Asking Thor if everything looks like a nail. He rolls his eyes. He's so sick of my shit

Church had a sale on baptisms

Glove Stinks writes itself

Wish I knew more about plotting and filmmaking so I could understand why don't movies just don't work

Good day for it

Mariah Carey rappels down from my roof like an SAS operator and throws a flashbang through my window which detonates in blinding festive colors and snowflake glitter

Birds can use stilts too

A 100% book-faithful Frankenstein movie would be amazing if only for the "Don't worry father, I am indeed in love with my adopted sister, just as you and mom hoped" scene

I'm gonna get you succor 🫂

That's part of it

And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey
Love the Monolith
Love the Monolith
Love the Monolith

Buying 8 turkeys on clearance tomorrow

(doing a stupid maneuver) this works too. It’s another way to do it