Frightening McQueen

Tired of eating humble pie. Excited to move on to the dessert of my choice. That's right. It's time for arrogant cake

(throwing up blood) uh oh i did not eat that much blood

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah

Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen

Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah

Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

Caillou's dad: (texting) caillou is freaking the fuck out

signed up for the mecha unit and they're saying my mecha will form the balls and ass of the giant dude our team assembles. i asked if they could make me like the back or the foot or something and they said it's either balls and ass or i have to give back my signing bonus and join the infantry

Pink foam puzzle piece from a kid's puzzle of the United States. It is supposed to be shaped like Texas (it says "TEXAS" on it) but it's unrecognizable. I can't even describe the irregular shape, except it's the opposite of Texas.

Look how they massacred my boy

Did you learn that all p-adic triangles are isosceles yet? Wild stuff

wow ok the king's horses actually figured out how to put humpty dumpty together again an— oh come on, he's climbing right back up that wall. god damn it, what an asshole. you can tell the horses are furious with him

A great weekend to share Jeff Bridges making a perfect joke

"There are TWELVE secret herbs & spices!” I scream as federal agents shove me into a black SUV

Why would he bother now

Skycards for firetrucks

🎄😑

Sitting on the porch all day peeling and pitting a whole family size bag of peanut m&ms

One look at a modern day airplane cockpit would kill Wilbur and Orville Wright instantly

When house hunting, you must learn to think like the house. “I sure hate fire,” etc.

Convince your neighbors you own a pet owl by yelling "has anyone seen my pet owl" through their letterbox at 4am

you are kidding yourself if you carry a flickering lantern along the winding path through the dark woods and think that the approaching thunderous hoofbeats signal the arrival of anyone other than the inimitable headless horseman

Mushroom spore landing in my lungs: I eat?

My immune system: no not right now he’s still alive

Mushroom spore: ok i wait

making you stand and wait while i look for a specific guy in the garden of earthly delights on my phone

Died and went to the level of hell where everything is controlled by rube goldberg machines. If you want a cup of coffee, get ready to wait for the match to light under a basket of billiard balls. I wish I'd lived a good life

Wonderful. My aromatic aster is the only thing blooming right now, I clearly need to get to work

As someone who likes to joke around, comedies often hit a little too close to home

Nobody's any years should be like this

*prince voice* little moist towelette

UNCONVENTIONAL: This woman ran out of hot dog buns and is having hot dog on a hamburger bun. She must manipulate its form. Hot dog reborn

STEVE HARVEY: something with 8 legs you don’t want to see in your bedroom
ME, BUZZING IN IMMEDIATELY: 4 men fucking my wife

in therapy, bells go off, the room lights up, the ceiling is flashing different colors, I'm actually in Cash Therapy the only show where you compete in therapy for real cash prizes

Which video game character are you? Please keep all answers to yourself. Just something to think about