PAM!

Shocking.

I would think the minute you started lookin' a bit papally aunts started giving them to you EVERY birthday and EVERY Christmas like being tall and basketballs and...oh, have we moved on? We've moved on then? Okay.

BUT YOU KNOW YOU NAME A KID JOHN PAUL, THAT ONE IS GETTIN' BIBLED UP PRETTY HARD.

I *vaguely* remember something about this a lonnnnng time ago and I remember it being about new inks would prevent this and stopped thinking about it then, because obviously problem solved...BUT WHAT OF THE MILLIONS OF OLD PENS?!

I won't lie, it snuck up on me. It was just THERE and HAPPENING and I couldn't look away, but I didn't want to see any of it (chin quivering)

You should post it anyway and see what happens. WE SHOULD ALL POST IT AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Today on my road trip I had peppermint Hershey kisses followed by goldfish and frankly it felt like a pretty fancy party.

This beer tastes like a
commercial break with Gene Gene
the Dancing Machine

English or American?

“i guess i’m in my hussy phase now” i say, undoing one of my corduroy overall straps

Lol. I mean, if there WERE such a thing, which brand?

they're adding a human feel to my posts

I'm good with the proctologist's suggestion.

I’m grateful that so many things are none of my business.

I like my coffee like I like my women. From a donut shop.

Let’s mix up some hummingbird juice daiquiris to sip from the feeder

Take off your knit cap & your hair hurts season.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK...

Don't know what that guy was drinking out of his mason jar but he was really friendly.

I sometimes think about how cool it'd be if I could sit in a giant tub of cool whip. It's like a regular tub of cool whip, right? But it's the size of a hot tub. They slide it offa the back of a flatbed like a dumpster and you just peel that lid off, strip down and sink in.

Everybody is always so impressed when a mother lifts up a car to save a child that is pinned beneath it, but if you use *the exact same* amount of strength to pick up a car and put it on a kid you're somehow a monster.

Too tired to pretend to care. Instead I am pretending to pretend to care. Fake it until you effortlessly fake it, and then lie and call that competence.

me: the one thing we do know is that podcasters have spread paul rudd so thin we can hardly even see him anymore.
the priest serving me communion: is there another religion you can join?

vacuuming the house but really hot rodding it: drifting around corners, popping wheelies, doing a kick-flip over the ottoman

Ma used to call the television the "Idiot box"
Smart phone: Hold my beer.

Big sandwich lunch spot called Soup or Hero

💕

[Meeting with client paying me $500/hour as an online reputation consultant]

Me (after going through his phone for 119 minutes): Stop posting.

Wow.

I thought I was paying a PREMIUM for DISCRETION but apparently I was WRONG AGAIN.

Ground control to major tom. Your wife’s on the phone. She said to stop screwing around in the basement and come upstairs for dinner.

What if I told you I had a fez like that? What if I told you that?