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I'm not taking a nap, I just remembered that I'm not done sleeping from before.

Start the day the way I do. Angry at the general audacity.

I am the cumulative result of a life lived doing things that no one else was around to stop me from doing

I bet Jesus comes back to save TikTok

Tips for finding the right guy. Ladies, if you are interested in a fella, ask him how many swords he owns. You want the answer to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

learning to walk again after sitting on the toilet for too long

what if my dog had to wear a sleep apnea mask?

i saw mommy spitting in Santa Claus' mouth

"last one in's a rotten egg!" I yell before hopping off the bridge and executing a perfect cannonball directly into traffic

I hope to eat so much this week that I die 👍

I saw my stepdad kissing Santa Claus.

Braking hard after someone cuts me off and my hand instinctively reaches out to protect my rotisserie chicken

Your freestyle dance moves are destroying this family

They should invent a staying up late that doesnt guarantee less sleep

They should invent a plant that screams when It's thirsty

I really need to come up with a better excuse for canceling plans than “I’m still looking for the Loch Ness monster.”

Here's a nuclear block for MAGA where you can block in one step. Subscribe and, poof, they'll disappear.
bsky.app/profile/did:...

Spotify Wrapped could fix me.

If civil war breaks out, meet me at the library.

Come on Spotify Wrapped, we need you.

(good morning)

Freeze banana with your mind and break in half

The men with weedeaters outside my apartment at 9am the day after the election.

What about ‘sopping’?

Like getting %15 off my Old Navy purchase was worth it

The vibe, indeed, is in shambles.

A guy told me once that he put ‘all the things she said’ by t.A.T.u in the queue 20 times on the touch tunes jukebox at a bar and that was one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.

*noise from inhaling vape*

murderer: oh there he is