Pumpkin Escobar

It's my way, the highway OR a third way that involves a nice cup of tea. That's my credo anyway.

America. You're in danger, girl.

If you’ve seen a panda at the zoo, you’ve seen my best sex moves.

They should invent news for happy thiings

I hate it when I walk into a hotel in California and forget why I came in and then try to leave, but no. No sir.

sorry I haven’t been online lately I’ve been trying to pull up my yoga pants

Even the men here think the men here are morons

Idk but maybe when the Ambien is kicking in isn’t the best time to be making decisions. Or maybe it is?!

🏆

Life is so much easier in theory than in practice.

I love summer.

remember to recycle your feelings. for the planet.

this is your reminder to lift your leg and give that baby a gentle shake to wake it we ain’t tryna fall over in the employee bathroom today

I knew you'd know.

who was this Toby character and what beef did Hamlet have with him exactly
this might be the worst tweet ever written, but here we are.

One day you’re young and the next thing you know, you’d rather have dinner at 4:30pm than risk waiting 15 minutes for a table.

watching my bright whites progressively fade to grey and pretending it isn't a metaphor for my life

One of those monthly subscription boxes but for undetectable poisons

It’s Friday I’m in love with improved lumbar support

binge watching my dogs until further notice

Reconsider your friends if you wouldn’t want them on your team during a zombie apocalypse

Face down, ass up, baby.

We're gonna win this wheelbarrow race.

I can’t take you seriously if you take yourself too seriously.

Regret. It's what's for breakfast.

fun first date idea: trust falls from a busy overpass

Slept like it was my job
that I'm not very good at

wait how do the muppets poop