Blather Wince Repeat

YouTube video by JonBatisteVEVO Jon Batiste - FREEDOM

The groove continues because of this.

Friendly reminder to behave normally and to not lunge wildly at people at the supermarket

This rancher WAS jolly until that shit ripped my fillings out.

ALYSA MF'N LIU GOLD MF'N MEDALIST

I did NOT want to find out about extraterrestrials this way. These fucken dingleberries

In the time before smart phones we’d spend these hours placing needles on vinyl and chucking rocks at streetlights

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

Knight of the slightly irregular, final sale Ikea table.

With all due respect to Robert Frost, if Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that the 'road less traveled' always leads to a cabin occupied by a family of murderous hillbillies.

If they didn't have double standards, they wouldn't have any standards at all.

ME: *flawlessly performs Kate Bush's iconic dance from her Wuthering Heights video

COP: Ok so now we'll do MY field sobriety test

You had me at tater tot poutine

My debut romance novel, HeartWorms, is about a dashing young man that falls in love with the parasitic worms burrowing through my chest. It is semi-autobiographical so there will likely not be a sequel.

My next book? 😆

White culture is something you skim from the top of three week old alfredo sauce. Don't consume that stuff unless you want to shit your pants.

Maybe it will happen on President’s Day.

He's not wrong.

My last cat was a British humor snob. Flying Circus & Fawlty Towers were perfectly fine, but Benny Hill was "beneath him." What a dick.

Just remember kids, St. Valentine is also the patron saint of epilepsy and bee keeping. He could fuck your shit up more than you know.

If I am elected we will destigmatize eating a really good-smelling chapstick

Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men

Peter Tork is my favorite Monkee

I don't anthropomorphize everything in a lonely loneliness, I do it out of pure wait I gotta go, some dipshit object I brought to gratitude is cursing the day it "died"

Favorite Stooge? Joe DeRita. Did I stutter? That's right, CURLY JOE DeRITA DAMMIT! SAY ONE BAD THING ABOUT CURLY JOE! I DARE YOU! I'LL STAB EVERYONE, I SWEAR!!

Well, I lost another $1000 at Camptown Races. I was sure the bob-tail nag would win this time. *raises fist to the sky* Damn you, bay, damn you!

I'm so old that when I first saw it in the cinema it was just called Star Wars.

In France a Peeping Tom is called a Jean Luc Peek Hard