🍕 L.T. Vargus 🍕

How I end all phone calls: "Hey tell me if this sounds like a phone hanging up."

You’re legally allowed to rummage through people’s desk for snacks like a little goblin if there is no one else in the office

my anaconda don’t want nuns

he’s atheist

i mean, sure, i 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 be the bigger person, but i'd rather stay fun-sized just to annoy you

Maintaining eye contact to assert my dominance, while tongue punching my pudding cup.

I’m like a muppet with priors

we, the cool internet people, reject the ideology of Mondayism and the unhinged heinousness festering therein

My cat explores cabinets as if each one might be the one that leads to narnia

She’s beauty and she’s grace, she’s got a shiny carapace (she’s a dung beetle)

*flicking a lit cigarette* im not like other Muppet babies

I might need to start cocaine to pretend to care about work!!

I did the Number Rhumba, Raffi. I did it all day long. I can't do it anymore. Please, Raffi. Let me rest

you can do a colonoscopy at home with a plumbing snake

When my S/O and I both work from home she has to remind her colleagues that I am a Toilet Inventor who is always testing a new flushing mechanism

i don’t want to get back to you as soon as possible i want to be a gargoyle on an old gothic church

I sang “2 Become 1” by Spice Girls directly into your Ring cam, please respond

they should make running across an icy grocery store parking lot and then back with a loaf of bread in each hand an olympic event

If you need help, just find the hamburgers.

This exact line pops into my head at least twice a week

Gonna get some birds to do my taxes this year

I propose a toast.

Sourdough. With butter.

Bird screaming

ₐₕₕₕₕₕ

I hope he at least got a funny nickname out of it

When I was 13 I was being groomed by a man in his 20s but the universe saved me by having him wear a jacket that looked just like the one MJ wears in the Beat It video except it was white leather instead of red and I was just like, "ew. never mind."

I have zero problem sticking up for other people, even strangers. I just stuck up for myself, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Like I did something wrong.

Friday night, let’s do this! *goes to bed*

Welcome to January 235th, only eleventy million more days to go.

terrifying if literal: great balls of fire

Yes, I would be glad to appear on your podcast. I can talk confidently about anything for a very long time even though I have no expertise whatsoever. I can be funny from time to time, also.

have we tried making other fruits taste like cotton candy or are we just sticking with grapes