Uncle Jeff 🌈

Mayor Zohran Kwame Mamd... @mayor.nyc.gov Locked, loaded, plowing.

Man I wish

I'm troubled by the people who remain on twitter/x with the rationale that it's ok since they refer to it as Twitter and not X. Yeah, you're really making a strong stand against the evil empire

Boxers today but boxers briefs more frequently

windows pcs are generally for casual users who mostly use it for web browsing and maybe a little gaming. linux is nearly identical except there's no keyboard. macs are for hardcore experts and professionals who take on the toughest tasks, such as drawing three-dimensional rectangles and squares

*Taylor Sheridan pulling a slot machine arm*
"Ok, we got... Kurt Russell... as a... Fire Chief in... Paducah, Kentucky"
Paramount Exec: Sure whatever, here's $40,000,000.
All of our parents: Prairie of Flames is the best show on TV

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew

Aide Wearily Begins 5th Explanation Of Why Trump Can’t Pardon Prince Andrew https://theonion.com/aide-wearily-begins-5th-explanation-of-why-trump-cant-pardon-prince-andrew/

I'm off to my shrink, I say as I draw myself onto plastic and place myself into my oven.

Are you reading A Suitable Boy? 📖

Abyssinian cat with green eyes giving an assertive look

can I help you

Thanks for excluding me. 🙏

How long does it take a Happy Meal to start working?

The precision is key. As is the hotness [natch] but within the roles of the friend group, the exactitude dominates

I love my friends but my circle/coterie isn’t going to feel complete without a hot cardinal and an extremely precise bricklayer.

🎶🕺 this is how we do it 🎵

is we it
This how do

We live in a world where Onion satire and reality are converging at a maddening rate.

For gambling people, I will set the o/u at 4 for number of maga people seeing this headline and actually doing it

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’

RFK Jr.: ‘Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins’ https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-time-in-hot-cars-helps-babies-to-sweat-out-toxins/

I miss when you could post Brave Norman Rockwell Townsperson and the caption could be, like, “R.E.M was wrong to leave ‘Fretless’ off of Out of Time” instead of “The secret police should stop murdering people.”

Figure skating would be so much better with unmarked areas of thin ice

acab includes parking lot arrows

celebrate President's Day by impeaching the president

who called it face sitting when moon landing was right there?

norman rockwell image of the guy standing up you know the image

"add 30 seconds" is the only button necessary on a microwave

In this time of NIL funding, he really cannot afford to not purchase it for him

Star fleet officers Spock and Kirk as portrayed by pornographic actors. Kirk is bent over the captains station with Spock behind him

Text "Every time someone complains about gay star trek characters, Spock and Kirk bone again" attached image is Spock and Captain Kirk from the Star Trek 25th anniversary game for NES. They are in a turbolift and Kirk is looking sideways at Spock

A brown tabby cat sits two feet away from a robotic vacuum cleaner which has docked in its charging station. The cat is staring intently at the machine

I came out this morning to find Arthur just staring at the robot vacuum in its charging station

MacGyver: *deep breath*