Dave Knapp

Once again I mistook a barber’s pole for a candy cane haha maybe these jokes we all write are cries for help you don’t know

Hitler throws Von Blomberg under the bus to assume greater power for himself? You don’t say?

Me, for the last two years.

Now, if Cumby’s was truthful in their advertising, I might have gone for something like this.

That’s exactly what my uncle looked like the day before he died. He passed in January, maybe we could bookend this fucking year.

IYKYK

God’s curse upon you, Oliver Cromwell, you who raped our motherland.

RIP, Shane McGowan, on the second anniversary of your passing. You clued me in to SO MUCH SHIT. If there is a god, may she have mercy on our souls.

It’s a special option. It might be exclusive to Cumberland Farms branded snacks.

It was a roach covered in a thick coat of nacho seasoning. It helped lead me to becoming vegan for the next four years.

Hell is other people, Charlie Brown.

Follow along, Captain. Because of this incident, I fucking know what roaches taste like. And it’s like dusty, leathery, greasy(?), formic acid(?).

That’s a misdemeanor here in NY, iirc. Or at least a big fine and points on your license.

It’s so close. So close.

Why can I automatically believe this? I love Lungfish, but… they’re a lil bonkers.

I did that once with a bag of off-brand nacho chips and tasted cockroach. And I am not kidding nor fibbing.

Ants taste lemony. Feel free to ask me how I know this, but be forewarned.

Mary, I also pronounce Mary/ Marry/ Merry differently, and few can hear the difference. But it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I feel you.

That’s so lovely. I wish I hadn’t just been diagnosed with Alpha-Gal Syndrome and thus can’t have mammalian proteins, but that’s not your problem. So lovely.😢

“the president got mad at a television commercial so now your maple syrup is more expensive” is no way to run a country

YES. A jacket potato with canned chili, sour cream, shredded cheddar and thinly sliced scallions is my my “I can’t be arsed to cook” specialty these days.

Americans still don't realize how bad it has gotten and how much worse it is going to get.

Immense destruction, pain and suffering, and we're not even at the tip of it.

Does the architect remember where he or she put the thermal exhaust port? Because that would be really helpful.

Punk as fuck, brother.

A cheese grater

Only one way for a man with a Nazi tattoo to earn back our trust: apologize and *really* mean it

Beyond the Totenkoph tattoo, can we also acknowledge that G. Platner looks like he woke up on a park bench with a pile of 40s around his feet and said “Guess what, fuckers? I’m (uuurrrp, fuck) runnin’ fer fucken senate (blearrrgh!)” He felt like a plant to me from the first time I ever saw his face.

Same, brother, same.

Holy shit. Those shirts are getting blacker by the day.

The AWS outage today is a good reminder that there is no "cloud", there's just somebody else's computer.