her again

At this point, the biggest reason for boycotting Amazon is having to watch that commercial with the old ladies sledding every 14 minutes.

I can’t wait until Wicked 3: Tokyo Drift gets released next year.

This post is about me

Just a thought, but what if we stop asking “how much worse can it get?”

unfortunately I'm a hamburger that's way past helping

things are so much cooler in theory

I’m doing this. Thanks for the nudge.

well, hello sis.

What's something you never leave the house without? For me it's earrings & perfume.

Oh, and the heavy burden of everyday anxiety.

Sorry I said your boyfriend looks like Baron Harkonnen. It was childish & wrong. He's floating right behind me, isn't he?

Lost, and at a loss.

I don’t have any answers, but I do have a few good questions.

you beat me to it, unsurprisingly. 👏👏

Tell-tale us more

That thump from under the floorboards sure has been a lot louder lately.

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

i tried to cut footloose but my son told me to stop ruining his homecoming

this received a genuine “lol” 👏👏

*brings a mistress to a wife fight

I get all the exercise I need by routinely putting my feet in my mouth

I eat my peas with honey
I've done so all my life
It makes them taste so funny
But it keeps them on the knife

if your post is too long I probably didn’t read it.

Is the song you hear charming? It's probably Cole Porter.

Zero sugar, zero caffeine, zero joy, zero precipitation, zero humidity. Hold up, Kevin, that's not a beverage. You've picked up Death Valley in a can.

Interviewer: So what do you think is one of your strengths?

Me: I'm a great cuddler, both as big and little spoon

Interviewer:

Me: Do you want me to demonstrate?

Interviewer: . . . Yes

“Women these days don’t want to have children.”

Well, we don’t actually know if women in the past wanted to. Nobody asked them, least of all their husbands.

It turns out that anybody can be a greeter at Walmart. You don't even have to work there.

I need serenity and to surround myself with murder documentaries.

you’re annoyed when your parrot imitates your laugh so think about how your coworkers feel

the floor was lava cake. sorry i ate your floor