Alliecat

All of my neighbors pumpkins "disappeared" this morning and they're all blaming me because my pet hippo Chompers got loose again.

Im brave, Im confident, I understand basic traffic rules.

- me preparing for Costco today.

How to pronounce acetaminophen:

ree-LEESE thuh EPP-steen FYLES

Trump: don’t take acepitoemponoene

RFK Jr: *moth crawls out of mouth*

A nude man is in the background, only referred to as “the colonel”

Person watching on tv: well if they say so

A polar bear lies on a snow bank, face in hand.

Everything that happened last night came back to Phillip all at once. He was now pretty sure he knew just exactly what he’d do for a Klondike Bar, and he really hoped there weren’t any pictures.

Hotel California concierge (on phone): Uh huh. Yes. I see. Have you...please stop screaming sir... have you tried stabbing it with your steely knives?

CBS: Epstein Survivors
NBC: Epstein Survivors
ABC: Epstein Survivors
CNN: Epstein Survivors
WE: Epstein Survivors
Hallmark: Epstein Survivors
Survivor Channel: Epstein Survivors
Fox News: Is “K-POP Demon Hunters” turning your into a Satanist?

Imagine being such a huge piece of shit that you make Rand Paul and Marjorie Taylor Greene seem like reasonable people. 🤯

a man in a suit and tie is sitting at a desk and says that 's my legal opinion ALT: a man in a suit and tie is sitting at a desk and says that 's my legal opinion

Bob Odenkirk on Seth Meyers’ podcast: “Winnipeg is an amazing, interesting place.”His favorite spot? Wolseley. That’s right—Saul Goodman knows what’s good. 😎 #WolseleyWins #WinnipegLove

Doctor: Your wrist pain is from repetitive motion. Can you stop doing it at work?

[Cut to me doing the jerkoff gesture thru every conference call]

Me: Sadly, no

at home, lounging comfortably, surrounded by lip balms: ah, life is good

away from home, nary a balm in sight, lips becoming more parched by the second: how could i let this happen

Good night 😴

War is when the government tells you who the bad guy is.
Revolution is when you decide that for yourself.

Benjamin Franklin

We're bringing back dumb shit from the 1920's like measles when we could be bringing back cool shit like makeup for yout knees

Billboard next to Applebee’s reads “WARNING PREPARE TO MEET GOD.”

Applebee’s new slogan is concerning

Sorceress: because of your arrogance i am turning you into a beast

Prince: oh no

Sorceress: and your servants into household items

Mrs Potts: oh no

Consorts: oh no

Lumierre: oh no

John: OH NO

YouTube video by Tod Maffin This is what leadership sounds like.

Forget slogans.
Or expensive wraps on jets.

THIS is what leadership sounds like. #mbpoli #manitoba #cdnpoli

youtube.com/shorts/LVmdu...

Jinmen

"Just be normal at the party. Don't be weird."

Me at the party:

I think we should change the clocks MORE often.

Roll a twenty-sided die once every six weeks and alternate moving forward/backward as dictated by the whims of the all-powerful icosahedron.

Time is an illusion and a prison.

Embrace the chaos.

BREAKING: "At 1:15 PM tomorrow, President Trump will pick a country's name out of a MAGA hat and impose crippling tariffs on that country's goods for four minutes. This will happen daily until America is great again."

pretty great how 50 Years of SNL will be followed by Endless Years of Fascism Under a Corrupt Dictatorship Bought and Paid For By Evil Billionaires Who Want the 99% to Die

My biggest Super Bowl takeaway: This “Good Ol’ Football Game” commercial for Tim Hortons is an abomination.

Canadians: If you care about a single queer person you NEED to vote against the conservatives in any and every election

They've always been bigots & it's so much worse now because they're taking their cues from MAGA freaks

Stand against hate or we WILL see the things happening stateside here

If you prick us do we not bleed?
If you tickle us do we not laugh?
If you poison us do we not die?
And if you walk by with a platter laden with cheeseburgers do we not robble-robble?

Sorry I'm just in a really bad place right now (United States)

BIG BAD WOLF: let me in

3 LITTLE PIGS: i mean, if your name was small good wolf maybe

Hellyeah eat the rich. Can you also pick up some half & half on the way home?