Dominic Caruso

I am already wearing the bow tie shades & I am not taking them off. Ever. For anyone.

Emojis and their skeletons:

➡️ -->
😃 (-_-)
🐌 @
🐔 <0
💚 <3
💪 La

Photo of my friend, the crow, sitting on my roof waiting for her bribe/breakfast

None of these apps are any good. I'm training a crow friend to scream out my thoughts as she flies through the city

People are often surprised when I tell them that I am, at this very moment, writing a book about them.

some of the things i’m hearing said about me out there are “i hope he eats a donut soon” and “that guy should eat a donut”

if bsky tanks i guess i’ll go back to saying stupid, weird, uncomfortable things to various cashiers and waitstaff

the newest fad is smelling like a dusty armoire being transported in a 1967 dodge charger. inside the armoire are 1970s leather jackets. someone spilled whiskey and smoked a pipe and sat near a campfire in the jackets. you are driving the charger thru a forest lush with cedars

a question that says "How did you hear about us?" and the only option checked is "Other" where ive written "web address revealed to me in a dream"

Once, I was driving up the road in a truck with a manual transmission & when I tried to shift gears the round shifter handle came off in my hand mid-shift & my hand floated up towards the ceiling with the handle still in it & we fell as in a dream into the sky into the sea.

whenever i use the 🙏 emoji i am literally mid-prayer

It's weird how nobody ever talks about the fact that we all hear incredibly loud discordant high-tempo circus music in our heads at all times

Walking around town in just a towel. People are stopping to shake my hand and wish me well

Just bought a great sweatshirt, comfortable, with a stylish fit—it is just missing the left arm, & also it didn’t come with the right arm. Additionally, it has no collar or hem. It did come with a rusty medieval pot helmet that weighs about 40 pounds; possibly the best sweatshirt I’ve ever owned.

there should just be one snake that's long enough to always be everywhere snakes are needed

My cat has been using umlauts in some of her meows recently. It's subtle but I can tell

it appears my arch-nemesis, me from yesterday, has struck again

Fighting through a mouthful of Charleston Chew

Not guilty, your Honor

If only one person likes your tweet you have to write them a thank you note

the tumble setting on a dryer can be used to make cement but only once

Just invented a new app to help you deal with annoying coworkers. It's not so much an app as it is a toaster on a bike chain that you swing around your head

Love the pull tab on soup. Love to pop open a Soup and chug it straight out of the can.

The bleakness of the unfrosted scone suggested cairn-building to me. No frosting was used in this scenario.

They’re lit real sinisterly. It’s spine-tingling.

Let’s get sconed!

Up late manufacturing imaginary problems (tooth lint) & inventing unnecessary products to solve them (fresh mint burst tooth-lint roller)

We need a bigger national spotlight on this building raid, fam. Agents dropped from helicopters onto the roof. Citizens and non-citizens alike were dragged from their homes in the night. People who weren't kidnapped during the raid had their belongings seized after the fact. This is madness.

Can't decide whether I'm more jealous of insects, who have their skeleton on the outside and get to see it all the time, or of octopuses, who have no skeleton and are free of the hegemony of the rigid.

We’re getting rid of leaf blowers by eating 50 leaves a day each. Get out there

It’s too late for me—save yourself—the scones… the scones have me now.