Captain Jean Luc Dickhard

Dr. House from the tv show House just kicked me in the nuts and stole all my geodes

(Gesturing to the 11 foot tall being of pure blinding light standing next to me) the fuck is this guy’s problem

I’ve never eaten a vegetable in my life and I vote

My therapist said I’m one of the dopest patients he’s ever seen btw

Well yes!

Sorry man but I can’t let you into my party. Not with your pineal gland that calcified

Probably several

(Trying to intimidate a guy at the bar) what’s up Mr pretty mouth. Where’d you get those lips, the good kisser store?

Sucking a dick sideways like a flute

I was thinking that too but I’m honestly not sure. How can we figure it out?

Wait what I am

My new technique of centrifugal jelqing is taking the world by storm

I ate like 5 or 6 whole tubes of burts bees today and my lips are still chapped so I’m pretty sure it doesn’t work

Oh you gotta burn it down an move towns now it’s over for you

I called the gambling addiction helpline and they put me on speaker and were making fun of my bets and laughing

People keep talking about my new ass. They keep saying stuff like “wow look at that huge ass” but it’s the same ass I’ve always had. It’s just that the rest of my body is way smaller now (from the extremely painful experimental surgery I had done)

Having sex with the mailman to make sure he gives me the best mail

Yelling at my roommate to fuck quieter because I can hear him all the way through the fibrous membrane of my sac

(Gently stroking your cheek) babe you have such an amazing texture pack

(To the tune of “Margaritaville”)

Wasting away again in little wienerville

I’m an HR professional tasked with bolstering our company’s weed culture

Happy Grab a Cop’s Gun Wednesday! Everyone grab a cop’s gun to celebrate

(At the pharmacy trying to pick up my prescription but I can’t remember what it’s called) it’s a pill about the same size as a tooth. White like the color of a tooth. When you shake the bottle it rattles around like container of loose teeth. This ringing any bells?

I’m smoking weed with Rick Moranis. I invited a bunch of other dudes but he’s the only one who showed up

Hey man sorry for cumming so quick you just look so baller tonight

Sorry I can’t make it to your party, I’m meeting a work colleague for a business pee

Getting the ick on a first date after watching him fumble to bring up his favorite horseshoe crab video

Going to the plastic surgeon and asking for Peter griffin’s chin

It doesn’t matter if you have a small dick. It matters why. Likely you sinned greatly in a past life

Using /j to indicate that I’m jacking off (/suckin)