Captain Jean Luc Dickhard

Shit that makes you go “damn” can, oftentimes, also make you go “fuck”

*casts Explode Cock on your cock*

You can really tell a lot about a person by all the various things you know about them

Just saw my boy Theseus. His ship looks way different than I remember from last time

If you won’t please give it to me because I will

Girl that’s not a rock it’s a tiny piece of pita bread

(Whole body paralysis slowly setting in) nothing much what’s up with you

HR Giger’s full name was Human Resources Giger

Hiring a landscape architect to add a small tasteful water feature to my balls

When I ghost people I do it old fashioned way: with the vengeful spirit of a Victorian-era child trapped inside an antique music box

“Imagine my surprise” oh ok so now you you want me to do *your* emotional labor for you?

You’re either jacking off with me or jacking off against me

I accidentally left my memento mori directly in front of oncoming traffic. I better go get it

Please hold still, I’m going to pass right through you like a ghost or spirit. Except I’m fully corporeal and solid so it will be quite painful

One milk, extra pulp please

Hey do you wanna be tickle friends

(Threatening a spider) you better sleep with 3 or 4 eyes open tonight buddy

Hey man check this out (does even worse than usual)

(After spending an hour talking about how I sit in the boiler room all night and rattle chains) sorry I don’t mean to talk about work so much

Those of you who are complaining about being extruded from my industrial extruding machine need to grow up

Sending a single text, snapping my phone in half, and throwing it in the river. Taking out second phone, fixing the typo on the previous text, snapping that phone in half, and throwing it in the river, etc

Comfortable temperature

[flirting] *leaves you alone*

They say the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep but I decided to be proactive and get my whole life’s worth out of the way at once

Many scientists are now saying that the oldest person currently alive has probably already been born

(Bringing out a bag of diatomaceous earth in the movie theater) hey want some of my snack?

Blood has been a game changer in terms of transporting oxygen and nutrients around my body

Hey man your fly is down. Don’t worry I’ll just grab that for you

I’m an optimist, so I see my penis as half-unstuck in this high-voltage electrical outlet

Sorry I didn’t meant to like 37 of your posts in a row. I was licking dried cough syrup off my phone screen and if just sort of happened