Ned Lobster

Y’all see this?

I think about the immediately breaking Cybertruck video at regular intervals.

Not a fan of constitutional crises. Never have been.

Investigating the Margaritaville police department for corruption.

Everything people say about exercise is bullshit. I don’t feel better. I don’t have more energy. My mood has not improved. I think all of it got worse actually. I eat the same thing for lunch every week day, I hate myself. At least I’m always creaky and sore though.

On a forced week long vacation from Twitter after Dr. Phil revealed he’s embedded with ICE on a mission and I said I hope he gets badly injured.

*to the tune of Depeche Mode's "Everything Counts"*

Everything sucks in large amounts

I’m inventing “for the culture” for white people. It’s gonna suck.

Who is Jim E. Carter

Pretty tired today. I’ll probably do nothing about it and have it carry over into tomorrow.

Looking to join a criminal conspiracy if anyone has a hook up

Thinking it would be easy to get MAGA to adopt “being hungry is a femme trait”

I was not prepared for the game mentioned. Someone approved publishing this. Whats next, Animal Crossing?

I will never be shot outside a Manhattan hotel in what appears to be a planned attack, I guarantee it.

I love doing things before it’s too late.

Don’t know what to do for dinner. My life’s a fucking joke.

I want to do voiceover work for the wheels of cheese in Cheez-It commercials.

Inviting all my friends over for DUI Night

Falling down stairs is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Happy Jonestown anniversary to all who celebrate

Moo Deng’s behavior is insolent.

Turn up

I have to see the workwear guys tweets on this site too, fuck

Boxing is all about punches. If you’re not punching, you’re not trying ☝️

RFK Jr. bringing dead animals into the office like Dwight Schrute.

Don’t let the door hit you in the butthole on the way out

Wish we had a President rn