Mike Bauman

This is Cadwallader Colden erasure!

Totally unfair that Zohran Mamdani didn’t also quote Curtis Sliwa’s father.

Switching through every New York City tv station and not a single one has mentioned the Yukon Party taking control in Whitehorse.

Blue Jays in 8.

You don’t need them. You need only Daulton Varsho.

Grooms should never write their own vows.

Ironic day for Andrew as it’s the result of his going to Epstein’s island to “get stripped of my titles, if you know what I mean.”

The most painful part of living in LA for this Blue Jays-Dodgers World Series is listening to the local newscasters pronounce Toronto with three syllables and two ts.

Anyone know a good marriage counselor? My wife says I’m “wantonly destroying our relationship” but I insist I’m “building the ballroom of our relationship.”

I’m all for giving your production company a silly name, but not if you’re making gritty documentaries. It’s a bit disconcerting to see a title card reading “75 Brutally Murdered Nuns. A Creamy Butt Nuggets production.”

No problem. $14,946,622.29 pays for a lot of strongly worded letters.

Manically flipping between the Blue Jays, Monday Night Football, and a hockey game. I’ve managed to miss every run, touchdown, and goal.

I don’t see how Newfoundland and Labrador can survive the torrent of charisma flowing out of Tony Wakeham.

The world is finally coming around to my thinking - comedy that targets those in power is lazy, unfunny, and un-American. True satire is found in attacking those who can’t fight back. If given a late night show, I promise to deliver jokes aimed only at babies and toddlers, the freeloading assholes.

For what band did Cam Newton play rhythm guitar in 1968?

Graham Linehan tells court trans activists made his life 'hell' The Father Ted creator gives evidence after going on trial for alleged harassment and criminal damage.

And in the darkest corner of Hell, Hitler is complaining about the damage to his reputation caused by Elie Wiesel.

Today is the 15th anniversary of our move to Los Angeles. The universe reminded me of this by placing me in a grocery store elevator with Sally Struthers.

Just learning that the King of France from 1422 to 1461 was Gord Downie.

Trump is right! Why are history museums so hung up on the past? They should focus on the future!

Also, I just came back from the NFL Hall of Fame. Not a single mention of Guy Lafleur. Disgraceful!

People are afraid to go out for dinner in New York City because of all the nipple ring on beret violence.

Hello, I’m acting head of the Bureau of Labor Statistics Marco Rubio. Here are the August job numbers: President DONALD J. TRUMP added 947 gabzillion new jobs and unemployment fell to a historic negative 65 percent. I have revised the July numbers up to “all the jobs ever.”

The Democratic National Committee’s “Organizing Summer” will feature events in Alaska, Texas, Colorado and California over the coming week during which party insiders will scour nursing homes for the next batch of Democratic candidates.

Proud to announce I’ll be a co-executive producer on The Tiffany Trump Variety Hour! Weeknights at 11:35pm, only on CBS. Streaming the next day on Paramount+ and the White House YouTube page.

I am also getting divorced “in light of recent discoveries.”

My wife left me for the James Webb Space Telescope.

BREAKING: The client list has been revealed!!!

The Beatles
Gerry and the Pacemakers
Cilla Black
Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas
The Fourmost

I may have the wrong Epstein file.

Reboots and Remakes 2: Why is Hollywood Still Stuck on Repeat?

Stephen Miller has filled several Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers with fan fiction stories about what will happen to those dudes. He keeps it next to the toilet.

Just heard that John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died. Gutted.

This is what River North thinks Lincoln Square is.