Sean Patrick

Does anyone know if there's an app to help find out if you've ever missed an episode of A Touch Of Frost? Ideally also for Judge John Deed and London's Burning. I've asked in the Apple Store but they just look at you as if you're mad.

I’ll tell you who you never hear of these days - Niomi Arleen McLean-Daley.

How the dynami-tee-hee have fallen!

My grandmother was a famous lingerie model. And you may say that’s not strictly true, but support hosiery is still underwear.

Fred West wouldn’t hurt a fly.

Sadly, none of his lodgers were flies.

Has it ever occurred to you that a fruit is there to spread a seed, and when you harvest that fruit you are stopping that seed from growing into a new plant.

So that, when you pick an apple, you are essentially wanking off a tree?

“Hi - am I right in thinking this is the place for do it yourself breast enlargements?”

“Sure - fill your boobs.”

I feel really sad when I read about Alex Jones. That guy has really changed since "The Snowman".

She can't dance
She can't sing
But who cares?
She's a surgeon

A mate just posted on FB boasting he hadn't smoked for 6 yrs. I told him my daughter's 14 and even she's beating him!

Yes, she'll be 7 years off the fags in November.

TV PROGRAMME PITCH:

A major reboot of “Songs Of Praise”, but we call it “God’s Balls, My Chin”. Bradley Walsh to host, and every episode is live from Ipswich.

Oh - so you love “Now That’s What I Call Music”? Name five of their albums.

Me on blind date: “sorry, I get very nervous when I fancy someone.”
Blind date: “oh! Are you nervous now?”
Me: “Nope.”

At this time of great social division, where hate seems to be the watchword of the day and everything seems hopeless, I try to remember that my mate Brian once had a threesome in Zakynthos with a pensioner and a double amputee.

Can’t we all just get along?

The first two rules of Benedictine Monk Fight Club are really not that big a deal, actually.

“Why is Kevin Rowland so foul-mouthed?”
“It’s not his fault - he’s got Tou-ri-tou-ri-tou-ri-tou-ri-ette’s syndrome.”

Just had a long weekend in the canaries.

Now getting called a "sexual predator" by the RSPB.

Salt and vinegar crisps annoy me. Whose idea was it to put both types in the same bag? They’re a nightmare to separate out.

Bloody PC gone mad! Now British hero Del Boy’s been banned from my local swimming pool for ducking and diving.

I don’t know about you, but I can never get to sleep in a car with someone else driving.

Whereas when it’s me driving, I drop straight off.

My granddad's just been arrested for murder! It's a terrible shock to us all. My nan's in bits.

I wouldn’t say I wasn’t a “real” man, but I studied in the USA for a year and the only fraternity that would accept me was Soy Beta Cuck.

My granddad was a big game hunter. He died tragically young, crushed by the falling marbles from a 20-foot Ker-Plunk set.

“Apparently, Ian Krankie’s got a massive cock.”
“How do you know?”
“A little bird told me.”

Do you know why I just can’t take women’s football seriously?

Because it’s football.

I met a woman last night who said her name was Onomatopoeia!

At least, that’s what it sounded like.

As a low-status persona comic doing non-jokes, I've always found that it's niche to be impotent, but it's more impotent to be niche.

One of the reasons you will never see Mo Farah naked is because he has a pronounced permanent crease running down his front and back.

“It’s not you - it’s me.”

Me, looking at photo albums with my twin brother.

“Say hello to my little friend.”

Iain Krankie

I have no problem remembering simple little expressions.

It’s easy penis.