Sean Patrick

A pal in Drôme is a pal in Frome.

Today is Columbus Day. If I was in America I would spend the whole day walking round, then stopping without warning and saying "ah - just one more thing!" and then pretending to be confused when people corrected me.

One of the great advantages of living alone is being able to walk round your own home in the nude. Sure, the cleaner doesn't like it, but who pays her wages?

Blockbusters would probably have run for a lot longer if, every time he said “That’s Blockbusters!” Bob Holness had immediately launched into the sax solo from “Baker Street”.

What do people who work in a bank actually DO all day?”

“Ah, that would be telling.”

People who use the phrase “wine o’clock” - do you call bedtime “cock o’clock”?

The great thing about being a member of Amnesty International is that, wherever you are in the world, there’s no fines to pay on overdue library books.

Just had an embarrassing but hilarious mix up on a dating app!

What I MEANT to say was, “looking for a skilled and impressive COOK…”

Whereas what I ACTUALLY wrote was, “I will be blindfolded on all fours, door open, you come in, don’t speak, penetrate me then just leave.”

Boy, were MY cheeks red!

I’m a great believer in trying to see the bigger picture.

Or, as some people will insist on calling it, the cinema.

If you find your job depressing or unfulfilling, here’s a tip for you.

Twenty minutes before you need to leave the house, have a lie down with your leg under you, so it “falls asleep”.

That way, when you go out, it feels like someone else is walking to work.

The worst thing about amateur porn is they all have to keep their vests on.

Since I started meditating on a regular basis my life has changed massively.

Nothing to do with the meditation, just my wife’s left me.

Watching Alan Partridge. Why are we still pretending the character is not Farage?

Watching Alan Partridge. Why are we still pretending the character is not Farage?

Muslims' favourite rapper is Halal Cool J.

Lou Bega's bought Fred West's old house! He's already found a little bit of Monica.

I'm not saying Jim Morrison used to beat Stevie Wonder up when they shared a flat together, but it's amazing how often Stevie "walked into a Door."

Q: how many paedophiles does it take to change a light bulb?
A: not being funny, mate, but why are you employing paedophiles to do your odd jobs? Surely you can see how that could go wrong? THINK, lad.

How many amusement arcade workers does it take to break a five pound note into two pence pieces for a psychiatrist who wants to play the slotmas?

Only one - but the psychiatrist must really WANT the change.

RUSH HOUR CRUSH

Where: Tube, Piccadilly Line, Thursday morning

Me: blue jeans, smiley, black top, dark hair.

You: beautiful but sad, all in black, crying, hugging a crying child, perhaps a funeral of a spouse?

Dem titties tho.

RUSH HOUR CRUSH

Where: Tube, Piccadilly Line, Thursday morning

Me: blue jeans, smiley, black top, dark hair.

You: beautiful but sad, all in black, crying, hugging a crying child, perhaps a funeral of a spouse?

Dem titties tho.

“Three lions on his shirt
As my dad lay dying
‘Please stay in the car, dad
This is a safari park’”

Remember That’s Life! with Esther Rantzen? I once sent them a picture of my penis because it looked like a carrot. Never heard back.

TV COMPANIES - instead of making programmes about fishing, why not just film an ill dog doing a shit on a wall?

If I’ve understood it correctly, in British political terms, Biden is basically like John Major, and Donald Trump is like a clown pedalling a tricycle through a barnyard full of pig shit and ringing the bell.

My name is mud at the hospital. Turns out you can’t book a mammogram for a stag do.

If Magritte was alive today and active on social media, I like to think he’d do a painting of a Black and Decker called “This Is Not A Drill”.

It's a hard life for the Lego cowboy. Whatever he says or does, whoever he fights, people are always saying he's yeller.

People who are against paying tax: would it help to replace the word "tax" with the phrase "what I owe"?

Just imagine, right, just imagine if the lift company, Otis, right - there’s a lift company called Otis, yeah? Them - just imagine if Otis, yeah, moved to Reading!

It’d be really handy if your lift broke down and you were in Slough.

Mad, eh? What am I like!