Murderously Matt 🎃

Stumbling into the party a little too late, but I brought Four Loko

Two quote skeets stating ‘This is about me,’ to the same original post of Drunk and disorderly, but in an adorable way (which was written in typically brilliant fashion, by one of the greatest minds ever to grace the dumpster behind the 7-Eleven).

We’ve located our two adorably disorderly drunks.

The bait worked.

I'm not telling you why the sheets are sticky.

-nocturnal omissions

If I was half as smart as people seem to think I am I probably wouldn’t spend so much time wondering how an octopus would wear a three piece suit

Almostwest
Nearwest
Midwest
3/4west
Whole-lotta-west
Maximumwest

Literally everyone misuses the word literally.

Woke up this morning. Not sure why I keep making this same mistake.

ระวัง แอลกอฮอล์ทำให้การตัดสินใจลดลง WARNING ALCOHOL IMPAIRS JUDGMENT Drunk man kissing fish

Idk man fish look pretty smoochable even when I’m stone cold sober

holy shit just saw a commercial that peyton manning wasn't in

My life is too small and I worry it will get lost in the gap behind the refrigerator.

I was okay until someone asked me if I was okay which caused me to think about if I was okay and now I'm not okay.

Swifties are allowed to talk about Travis Kelce's dong all day long but I'm an asshole for talking about D&D too much?

LaCroix offered me a bunch of money to do a comedy set and given that I have no taste buds, I think I'll do it

wine & egg yolks, interesting

i know you're upset about being banned but you very clearly posted. our terms of service don't allow that sort of thing.

Two male lions boarding Noah’s Ark

Just a reminder that this is a children’s Bible

[clears throat] HATING AI ISN'T BIGOTRY, AI ISN'T ALIVE, IT ISN'T EVEN INTELLIGENT

Hey
Thank you for the lovely bouquet
But you'll never know what it's like to be a real shitposter

Counterpoint: that is an extremely unhealthy view

women should be weirder and more off putting

Hey bitch
We're going to get high and watch old Star Trek

Dad's in your neighborhood just want you to WALK by the pool

Nice to-hit bonus, my guy. She let me hit because her armor class is bad.

Oh your TL is just you that's neato.

I’m too much of a skeptic to believe in astrology.

It’s the Capricorn in me.

LaCroix offered me a bunch of money to do a comedy set and given that I have no taste buds, I think I'll do it

My first day as speaker of the house: Okay everyone, ROLL INITIATIVE!

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When your head spins in circles it's a very very
Mad girl

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the ones where they cut off my head