GᵣₐbₜₕₑWₑₙₑₛₛ

I’m making smothered pork chops for dinner which is funny because if I don’t stop playing The Life Of A Showgirl that is precisely what my husband is going to do to me lmao

*brings a cronut to a waffle fight*

Glad to see he's using the makeup studio he installed in the Pentagon.

Damn tariffs

When you transplant pubes to a different part of your body, you can grow new genitals there

Will Forte’s dad.

Roughness Relief Lotion label.

*rubs this on everything, everywhere*

Gosh, all the food groups are covered!

It’s got vitamin q!

I only hand out black licorice for Halloween. This may be the year I won’t have to get up from the couch

🤣Watery choco milk. For growing girls and boys.

We’re used to what we grew up with. I can’t make Watties taste good to me. I try.

If you give more than you get, eventually you’ll run out of herpes.

Trying my darnedest to manifest a little spontaneous combustion.

They say you are what you eat so I guess I’m a jizz-filled pussy.

Thank you to everyone giving me medical advice about the dangers of eating ass, you guys seem like a lot of fun.

I am a lunatic. A cornucopia of idiocy, if you will.

Skydiving, but I’ve replaced my parachute with four cinder blocks.

Can I come over and watch your mom do jumping jacks?

Sorry I drove past you at McDonalds and ruined your parking lot handjob, unhappily married guy, but direct your anger elsewhere, it’s wasted on me.

I'm just gonna sit here in silence and look at your words.

Mature olive oils in your neighborhood looking for a hot salad

My retirement is all locked up in a trust, in the sense that I trust one of my kids will be a doctor or something.

🤣🤣🤣

Coach Ketchup!😍❤️

I eat breakfast cereal the old fashioned way.

Meaning I don’t, because it wasn’t invented yet.

When Bsky bites it, I’m off to Classmates.

I moved to Friendster because I can't go back to Myspace without being ridiculed

Heinz or die (my tattoo)

McDonald’s manager: Where the hell are all the fries?

*A Flock of Seagulls quickly exits*