Old Tom Gin

Getting punched in the face by Satan so hard his head explodes in End of Days.

It's not a foolproof plan but every political debate from now on should be a Normal Guy competition. Ask them to describe grocery shopping in detail. Talk about what it's like to have a friend

my kid showing me a "funny" tiktok

The fuck was up with this asshole? All he did was walk around and tip his hat a bunch of times. The talent booker at the Babylon shoulda been shot too…

thinking about how i get anxious writing emails because i don't want to sound like a moron while larry summers is apparently typing emails like this:

u kno she dint want to talk tomorrow. make me bad pheel.

[movie studio]

ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING?

TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

We gotta have a clear term for people so cynical they become gullible.

Stages of life:
1. Birth
2. You gotta be fucking kidding me
3. Death

Second pic I see him going “The Pope! Wow!”

Breaking news: scientists discovered that we’ve actually run out of numbers. “We’re fucked” said one mathematician

[slamming my hands down on the desk of the President of Universal Pictures]

Fast. Frankensteins.

SOCRATES: No god is a philosopher or seeker after wisdom, for he is wise already; nor does any man who is wise seek after wisdom.

PLATO: Neither do the ignorant seek after wisdom.

DARRYL, SOCRATES AND PLATO’S FRIEND: well well well if it isn’t the blowjob brothers

Would be endlessly helpful if everyone got their name tattooed on their face

Jesus: *picks up bread* This is my body

Jesus: *picks up mary magdeline* This is my biiiiiiitch

in 40 years you’ll have a doctor named tyler tell you you’re cooked

Fuck them up, Darryl..

Justin Bieber is older than Shane Bieber….

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

yes I’m talking to myself in public
guess what
it’s legal move along

Hello kids. Great costumes. You can have boring regular candy or, in exchange for a small fee, you can invest in something I'm calling Candy Premium, an AI-enabled solution that

just got scared. would not recommend

Printout on a shrink wrapped pallet of a sweaty bald man on his knees praying. It says DO NOT STACK ON THIS PALLET!

that’s right beg you miserable worm

life is like a shitty lasagna. Just layers and layers of shit like a lasagna

BREAKING: The mitochondria have released a statement they are ending their long running symbiotic relationship with humans, citing "increasingly poor use of the energy we provide".

My father was into a book/movie from like the year 2000. I dunno.

ARod would have done some shit there. No doubt.

Fancy? I did all those steps except used some things other than salt. Expand your mind.
Experiment you pleb.

I will never salute you, you son of a bitch.

East coast hates how late the games start.
West coast hates how early the games start.

You know what season it is. Tossed in ”the trinity” (olive oil, bacon grease and butter) then added the David Bouska seasoning and will finish with a little NY maple sugar. #bbqmunity