Lisa, Duchess of Netflix

Taking care of elderly parents is like parenting a toddler with a driver's license and a checking account.

I do enjoy Christmas, though. I hate Thanksgiving.

Photo shows black cat on a fluffy tan cat bed.

Lola says "Happy #caturday.
Now,let me get back to sleep."

*walks out of the woods in the mall parking lot*

“I can cut your hair.”

I want to get hospitalized for exhaustion like a celebrity.

I know origami, and I’m not afraid to fold you into a swan.

You can tell how a woman feels about you by the way she twirls her hair and keys your car.

A fancy hit pink frame for a pic that says “never settle for shitty coffee, shitty weed or shitty men” and my caption says to include never settling for shitty women too!

Or shitty women too. To be fair

How many years is a mental breakdown supposed to last?

Grinning at your phone because you posted something dumb.

Drinking iced coffee in the winter is a lifestyle.

[Scrolling through Netflix]

No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No
No…

*2 hours later*

...No

If a movie sequel is subtitled ‘The Final Chapter’ there are 3 things of which you can be certain:

1. It will not be a good movie

2. The producers know that the series should have ended 2 movies ago

3. It will in fact turn out not to be the final chapter, anyway

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humour suggests I'm 12, whilst my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Chickens won't even cross the road anymore for fear of being detained.

I need a heating pad for my soul.

Somehow the more streaming services you've got the less there is to watch.

Being an adult is just having a favorite spatula and being angry when it's dirty.

My wife and I are at the age where we wake up, drink coffee and just continuously clear our throats for 45 mins.

Co worker: I’m happy to announce that I’m pregnant
Me: wow, brag a little more about having sex recently, Susan

I’d wear matching Christmas pajamas with you

Breakfast in bed is considered romantic and sweet but me eating mashed potatoes in bed at 6pm is somehow concerning

I have no patience for people who take their time crossing a crosswalk but I’ll sit all day and wait for a family of ducks to cross the road

My alt account will be me trying to be sexy mixed in with pics of various casserole dishes.

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle

Don't mean to be a stickler but "no words" are actually words

So what exactly happens when you reach the 19th hour and you're wearing an eighteen hour bra?

Is it possible that I used the word "scallawag"one too many times while sexting?

Pretty sure something died inside the house and I can't find it.

Have a great weekend everybody.