fredesque

I'm always surprised to open a can of evaporated milk and find anything there.

this old thing? oh its my personal support talisman that makes me think things against my will i got from the store that wasnt there when i went back to return it

me: congrats when’s the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it's mine i get to keep it

[first barista] coffee for alan and elle

ive crunched the numbers, and its not looking good. theyre pretty much ruined by all the crunching, i owe you new numbers

maybe this is a stupid question, but how does it " stop " them ?? ?

Eating a sundae with a long spoon is the height of decadence. The longer the spoon the more decadent it is. Ideally you shouldn't even be in the same room as the sundae

Sick of the rat race man. These rats are fast as shit. Tired of losing.

[interview with a vampire] where do you see yourself in 105 years

me: lol more like yesferatu

vampire: so i can come in?

me: no, you loser, get off my porch

if i ever get a pet Zonkey im gonna name him Debra

vodka, straight up, sprig of rosemary

COKE: is pepsi okay

DR PEPPER: *removes surgical mask* we did everything we could

if i ever get a pet Zonkey im gonna name him Debra

me: everything bagel plz

him: even war?

me: onion bagel plz

pole workers lmafo

douse your eyes in some for us then paul, show us how it goes

yes its true dick cheneys viewing will be open casket, and yes everyone will be able to shoot him in the face with birdshot, but sorry, its BYOG

we should all have a baby together, i bet we could make a really big baby if we all participate

behind-the-scenes photograph from the set of the original 1954 Japanese film Godzilla (titled Gojira in Japan) the director is talking to the person in the Godzilla suit, who is surrounded by models of towers of electric wires.

"The electric lines represent the power of social injustices that I ache to destroy?"
"No babe. You just fuck shit up."

the only way Frank Sinatra took his chicken salad sandwiches

was it my way, it was my way wasn’t it

Donna Jean Godchaux (1947-2025), singing on stage with the Grateful Dead in the 70s. left hand holding mic stand, bracelet on left wrist, face is turned towards camera, blurry crowd/background behind her. bob weir's shoulder and guitar strap seen on left

Donna Jean Godchaux (1947-2025), singing on stage in more recent years, right hand holding mic stand, her signature long straight hair (now white) and orangey-red glasses

RIP Donna Jean Godchaux 💀⚡🌹

So Connect 4 pieces are called "checkers". as if the game wasn't confusing enough already..

What doesn’t kill you tenderizes you, making you more succulent and delicious. For next thing that comes to kill you

they should invent a candle with more ends to burn

me: no it’s not the same time it was yesterday we changed the clocks last nite

my cat: are you even listening to yourself rn

they should invent a candle with more ends to burn

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

congrats!!

happy birthday to John Candy the father of Halloween