mom mom mom mom mom

Can someone help me understand how Texas House members don’t have a quorum to pass their gerrymandering new districts, but are able to pass legislation that allows them to arrest those that left the state to prevent a quorum?

Me: omg, did your hands and wrist sunburn too? You’re peeling
9: oh no, that’s glue
me: but you just showered
9: yeah, I put it on after

Autocorrect decided my mistyping of “topless” should have been “yes please,” soooo, there’s that.

Why do we always have to pack one swimsuit that we know will absolutely not work when packing for vacation?

Always

That bitch

Small venue is awesome until it’s sold out and you’re like a sardine in a can. And that’s gonna be me…salty in a pool of oil

My kid, counting his piggy bank money: Mom, I’m all out of cents.

Me: *nods in quiet agreement*

A parking space outlined with a painted white dotted line and labeled "DRUG DEALERS ONLY."

Detective Wile E. Coyote puts down the paintbrush and smiles.

It happens to the best of us. I’m going to try a sold out small venue next month and I’m low key scared

They're under the bed, in the hall, under the table, in the corner of the bathroom... they are EVERYWHERE. There are big ones and little - some are frightening. They congregate in pairs, 3’s and 4’s. I don't think I need to buy the kids any more shoes. They're taking over.

From the file “profound statements from my kid,” today she announced that every chair is just a table for your butt

Instructions for a room divider with shelves. Three pictures show the divider with shelves leaning on it, the divider alone, and then the divider with the shelves inserted

I would like to thank the manufacturer for these extremely helpful instructions

My kid just told me she’s not “Hungry-hungry” but she is “cheese stick hungry.”

I hear Vegas now has Uno games and all of the sudden those packs are getting snatched out of the back of cabinets all over creation as Uncle Everyone decides it’s time to defend his title before cashing in

In my daughter’s room, I asked Alexa for the weather and she responded at max volume. I chastised my kid and said, “that’s waaay too loud.” That child looked at me deadass and said “she’s just passionate about her job.”

As a parent, I’ll be celebrating Independence Day by attempting to use the bathroom alone.

the movie Speed (1994) but it’s me pushing the baby in her stroller and if i stop she wakes up

We’ve been together so long, our arguments are now in reruns.

No YOU just checked your hands to make sure you weren’t holding your phone when you couldn’t find it.

Says “Reserved JFK”

Says “Reserved JFK Jr”

Found these spaces in the parking lot of my dr’s building. Who’s going to tell them?

Whatever the store was named when I first starting going there is what I will call it forever

My kid started playing Minecraft a few months ago and I haven’t understood a thing she’s said since

Oh totally

My husband suggested today, “I should take the kids to Costco so they can pick out some new foods to try.” I said, “oh, samples?” He looked at me with a blank stare. Gentle reader, this man thought he’d buy 5lb bags of food for kids to “try.”

A family of tigers at the dinner table eating with a window with tiger stripe drapes behind them

I’m really concerned about Mrs. Tiger’s drapery choice.

This made me giggle

But, and this is very important, are your friends there?

Correct

It definitely starts with asking