mom mom mom mom mom

I’m out of town and 7yo FaceTimed me to tell me that he wiped his butt too hard. It hurts now and he’s asking me how to make it feel better, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be the default parent.

It's beautiful watching a teen remember who they were before a phone. Like a wet, newborn foal stumbling into the living room-knock kneed and bumbling.

I guess that’s the silver lining

I warned my son that he could not say “I’m bored” during Rosh Hashanah services today. About ten minutes in, he leaned on my shoulder and whispers “I’m un-entertained”

Ok, but now I need to know if they spoke to everyone else and the other states said no…
Maryland usually gets lumped in with the Northeast designation

american democracy right now

‘Mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 4 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

close up of the brand name on a sink, 'CRANADA'

Cranada. like Canada but a little more tart.

Sharp as a tack

My kid buys a toy vending machine and exclaims “it doesn’t take any money!” and then mutters “that’s not a very good business model.”

You know those Highlights “circle what’s wrong” pictures? I’m about to take a pic of my kids’ bathroom counter and hand one a pen.

Miss 11: Get out of the way.
Me:
11: In a nice way.

I only wear cargo shorts because i can fit a Rotisserie Chicken into each pocket

I always knew I would end up on my own like Carrie Bradshaw, single in heels

My husband: Hey, I am not dead yet!

Me: Oh, that reminds me, I got you a Peloton

My signature move is writing “please see attached” and then confidently hitting send with absolutely nothing attached.

I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here

Picture of cemetery with headline reading “Man fined for pretending to be ghost in Portsmouth cemetery.”

and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids

I’m a marriage, kids, a mortgage and a serious job into this thing and I still wonder who the grown up looking person is in the mirror when I get dressed for work

I was talking to a new doc last week and giving my medical history and I said I had aphasia, and she raised an eyebrow and asked to clarify. I realized I meant dysphagia, but she failed to see the irony in my mistake

Kid 1 is playing pretend with a toy campfire set; he cut up a log and placed four pieces in a frame and placed the flames in the center. Kid 2 went to scout camp this summer, so I asked, “Kid 2, any tips for Kid 1 as he builds the fire?”

“Yeah,” says Kid 2, “Don’t put your hands in the fire”

Great question, hopefully someone more motivated than us can find out and share

I asked my kid what he’d like to wear for the first day of school.

“Um, I think…the picnic table shirt.”

Gingham, he chose a gingham patterned button down

Shit. My fairy gives out $2 bills. Electronic $2 just doesn’t have the same vibe as I seemingly have trapped myself into.

They tell you a kid will lose their teeth when it’s time. But the longer you wait, the more time they have to boobytrap their bedroom to make the tooth fairy’s job like mission impossible

Can someone help me understand how Texas House members don’t have a quorum to pass their gerrymandering new districts, but are able to pass legislation that allows them to arrest those that left the state to prevent a quorum?

Me: omg, did your hands and wrist sunburn too? You’re peeling
9: oh no, that’s glue
me: but you just showered
9: yeah, I put it on after

Autocorrect decided my mistyping of “topless” should have been “yes please,” soooo, there’s that.

Why do we always have to pack one swimsuit that we know will absolutely not work when packing for vacation?

Always

That bitch