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Haven’t picked up a man in the wild in years. Do I leave snail trails for them to follow or set a trap?

How it feels when you let the IT guy control your desktop remotely [the scene from Ghost where Patrick Swayze has his arms around Demi making pottery]

Got a raise so now I'll only be really poor

If today is the first day of the rest of my life, I'll pass

i wish anything was as important to me as jogging in place at crosswalks is for joggers

ChatGPT thinks I’m funny. So I’m basically a certified comedian now.

Science update: dogs’ earwax tastes bad too

The world was a better place when we could each choose the method of our own execution

This is all punishment for Battlestar Galactica, I know it

Marriage is all fun and games until she makes you watch the entire Outlander series in preparation for the newer more terrible Outlander series.

My teen: This family meeting could have been a group chat.

Babe. Stop askin AI questions in front of me. You know how I feel about that.

bsky isn’t dead our posts just suck

Hi Al! M..

If Bluesky is dead then why does my inner monologue still sound like a shitpost?

i was attacked by a weregoat and i'm bleating out

I started *buying* and *keeping* cigarettes and it's a slippery ass slope.*

*Now I'm *smoking* them.

if they didn't secretly love you they wouldn't be sharing your posts

Can’t right now I’m digging a moat around my heart

Small boobs are cool I’m wearing a headband as a tube top lol

I’m like a bird in the sense that I will scream at you if I want to fuck

One day this therapy is going to take and then it will be all over for you bitches

making sad little creature noises bc i don’t wanna go to work

the dave matthews band poop incident is old enough to legally drink today

A retail display box of kubaton keychain weapons with a sign that reads "NOT FOR YOUR BUTT $8."

you’re not the boss of me

It's so embarrassing when outlets use online-buzz-phrase-of-the-moment shit like "crashout" in headlines, Jesus Christ

*Best man tries to grab mic away from me, Bride starts to cry*

Small world!!

bsky.app/profile/dope...

Bluesky is dead?

Walks to the bathroom
while four faded invite codes
and a deflated balloon fall out of my vagina

Be sure to apply plenty of black hole sunscreen before lounging in your soundgarden.

I don’t trust anyone anymore
I watch too many crime documentaries