LuvPug

What in the Kentucky Fried Hillbilly Hell is this?!?

My family crest is just a big pile of dirty laundry.

My daughter would like everyone to know that it was DEFINITELY NOT her who put a bra on the cat.

People who say “I was just thinking out loud”-

For fucks sake, don’t do that. Stuff that garbage back into your own head where it belongs.

I sent you a death threat with words cut out of magazines. Please respond

I, for one, am happy to have a President with the courage and conviction to bravely take on America’s most dangerous threats: Taylor Swift & Bruce Springsteen

Get those goddamn black jelly beans out of my face you weirdo.

in a world of fondue I am a fondont.

I'm a sympath - the same thing happened to me but worse

The job interview was going great until my parrot started insulting the hiring manager.

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At my funeral there’ll be a 37 minute montage of me trying to find something to watch on Netflix

Do you like animals more than you like humans?

Make sure your children eat all of their candy before unleashing them on the public today.

I get it ham, I’m spiraling too

If Katy Perry is an astronaut then I’m Jesus because I rose up before noon on Easter

“What’s that?”

"It’s a therapy cat.”

"It looks like a chihuahua."

"That’s why the therapy.”

Looks like I picked the wrong time to unclench my jaw.

I can’t wait for our next pandemic

I sleep with a tin of altoids under my pillow in case someone breaks in and tries to kiss me

*2 seconds after taking my meds* oh shit did i take my meds 🤔

Actually, your email finds me eating a rotisserie chicken with my bare hands at 4am.

Whenever I feel homesick I go into a dive bar.

Who's the patron saint of functional alcoholism?

I'm pretty tired of hearing about eggs.

In this world of chaos, division and uncertainty, be love. Always be love.

Reply Guy? More like Reply Legend

[Funeral]

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"

Widow: "Please do"

Me *clears throat: "Plethora!"

Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

The modern miracle of Hanukkah is getting last year‘s candle wax scraped off of the menorah

Suspended from NextDoor…again.