The Mediocre Chainsaw Carver

"You will get more conservative as you get older."

"Sorry, what was that? I was just looking to see if IKEA sold flat-pack guillotines."

Starting to really have nostalgia for a time of landlines, physical media, and general consensus that the Nazi's are the bad guys.

Still funnier than every episode of Friends.

Audience: Ooooooh!

Fuck off 😀

Your porn star name is the colour of your underwear and the last thing you ate.

White Yoghurt.

"I don't respect the opinions of silly little boys like you." - My Dad.
I am 41.

I was so upset I had to turn my cartoons off.

Piss take + Spit take = Mistake

All sex can be casual if you don't take off your crocs.

*whispers and gives subtle salute, turns into headscratch*

"Hello Mr. Magpie, how's your wife and kids?"

(I was)

Replace any headline that contains the phrase, 'Gen Z', with the phrase, 'Young people'. See how (even more) ridiculous they start to sound.

I read a book about superglue. Couldn't put it down.

Sometimes, a good day is running miles first thing and splitting a tree down into a weeks worth of firewood all before breakfast.

Sometimes, a good day is putting the Rocky soundtrack on to psych yourself up to brush your teeth.

Jurassic Park. Asking the age-old question, are you more scared of dinosaurs or fatherhood?

Other, less middle-aged male perspectives also available.

Boreny

Can't sleep, tried counting sheep.

My squirrel brain two minutes later.

I climbed aboard a pirate ship
And the Captain said to me:
‘We’re going this way, that way,
Forwards backwards,
Over the Irish Sea.
A bottle of rum to fill my tum
A Pirate’s life for me’.

Dame Doodie Stench.

We couldn't hear the sound of the neighbours' new drum-kit over the sound of our lovemaking.

In retrospect, we questioned his motivation for the new hobby.

Taking a break for my mental health. Look after one another and yourselves.

I want to stand on my own two feet, so I can be next to my loved ones and help them when they stumble.

You are making notes in the margins of the novel of my life. You have only read the cover.

Fuck this day

Hopeful romantic - Wishbone

Just got knocked back for a screenwriting programme. Beyond gutted.

Any #screenwriter want to be my mentor?

#screenwriting

I hate it here. I want to go home.

How do you pronounce 'humour'?

The only thing I am scared of explaining to my grandchildren, is how to reverse a trailer.